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Archer Vice: On the Carpet

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"Archer Vice: On the Carpet" is the eighth episode of Archer Vice (season 5) and the fifty-eighth episode overall.

The gang discussing Archer's choice of disguise name Randy.


Archer arguing with the guys about being a kingpin of cocaine.


Archer has a run-in with a shady arms dealer (voice of Christian Slater).

The episode starts out with the entire gang sitting around in a room in Cherlene's manor. Malory starts off by asking everyone who wants to go first, and when no one replies she takes her glass of scotch and hurtles it into the fire that's behind Archer, Ray and Cyril.

Archer then decides to take the lead, but Malory interrupts him, asking Cherlene why she is waist up naked. Pam covers Cherlene's breasts with whipped cream, and then tells everyone that it's actually whipped cocaine. Cherlene then says that she was shooting for her album cover. 

Flashback to when Cherlene, Pam, and Krieger are shooting for her album cover: Cherlene has two rocket popsicles in front of her breasts, and Pam is directing the cover shoot, and Krieger is taking pictures of Cherlene without actual film. Lana walks in, and asks the three of them what they were doing exactly. 

Archer, Cyril, and Ray are flying the plane from Colombia to Florida and they barely have any fuel left to fly to an airstrip. Archer then brings up a point of what will happen when they bring the cocaine to the airstrip (in which the Colombians who were going to be landing there) to the people that will be greeting them will think when they see three other guys, AKA them. 

The three men then talk about what they are going to do, as soon as they step out of the plane. Ray and Cyril then complain about Archer's choice of disguise name Randy. When Archer steps out of the plane to talk to the people who they are supposed to give the cocaine to, he gets shot with a bean bag gun, by a man named Slater

Archer then introduces himself as Rando, and Cyril and Ray as the McCracken brothers. After talking to Slater about the authenticity of the cocaine, Slater then loads the plane with boxes filled with weapons. 

Archer then tells everyone that Calderon would pay the gang for delivering the weapons to him. Lana and Malory are shocked as they find out that it's Gustavo Calderon. Archer has no idea who that is. Malory then turns on the television and shows everyone that Calderon is the president of San Marcos, a country in Central America which is in the middle of a civil war.  

Malory then shouts out that she thinks that Archer has stumbled backwards into a 'CIA-backed anti-Communist, drugs-for-arms operation'. Archer agrees that it is probably exactly that. Malory then says that this is good for the gang, because now they could be in arms dealing. She then asks Krieger how much cocaine they have left. 

Krieger tells everyone that he built a submarine that was suppose to transfer cocaine to other countries. When Lana questions him on how he was planning on getting the submarine out of the house, he shouts out, "Goddamn it!" It is then revealed that Krieger blew up the submarine with all the cocaine that the gang had. Pam asks if all of the cocaine is gone, after finding out that there is nothing left, Pam collapses onto Krieger sobbing.

Malory then says she plans on emasculating Krieger for blowing up all their cocaine, before Lana stops her. Malory then announces that they are not going to be dealing cocaine anymore, and that they are now in the arms business, shortly after that Malory tells the gang that she has had a long day and is going to bed. 

Archer asks Malory why she is dressed up, and her response is that she and Ron are not going to divorce, that they will be going to marriage counseling and they are now in an open relationship. Cherlene's phone starts to ring, and she exclaims that it's Ron calling her. Malory then smashes the bottle of scotch over her head. Pam's phone starts ringing, she clears her throat, and then hangs up.


  • This marks the second time Krieger repeats the last line spoken from the film "Planet of the Apes," the first being in the Season 2 episode "Tragical History."
  • Krieger's submarine's name is a parody of the Tom Clancy novel "The Hunt for Red October". It is also a direct copy of the Civil War submarine CSS Hunley, sunk in 1864.
  • Freaky Friday was a children's novel written by Mary Rodgers. It was then adapted into film in 1978, 1995, and then in 2003.
  • San Marcos is also the name of the country in Woody Allen's film "Bananas", in a similar situation as well (A dictatorship in Central America engaged in fighting guerrillas).
  • San Marcos is also a country used in MacGyver.
  • Malory turns on a television to show the news of San Marcos to the cast, however previously in Smugglers' Blues, Krieger mentioned the Tuntmore mansion did not have cable service. It is possible they had it installed to have access to the news.


Cherlene: "I think it's pretty sexy."
Pam: "You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops outside of you?"
Cherlene: "I mean..."
Krieger: "But if she eats them we lose the whole red, white and... Okay..."
Pam: (Laughing) "Yeah not talking about eating them."
Cherlene: "Wait what are you... You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?!"
Pam: "Well, for starters. But let's not rule anything out you know, lets kind of see where that leads, we got a shit load of film."
Krieger: "I'm... suppose to have film in this?"
Cherlene: "Goddamn it!"
Pam: "Krieger!"
Lana: "So I have a question."
Pam: "The butthole Lana is what I was..."
Lana: "Yeah I got that, but do you think the cover for a country album should be hard core? What do you even call that? Food porn?"
Pam: "I do."
Lana: "You think it makes a good country album cover or you call it food porn?"
Pam: "Yes."
Lana: "Are ya..."
Cherlene: (Squealing delightfully): "These things are freezing!"
Krieger: "FILM! FILM! FILM! FILM!"
Lana: "Quit putting rocket pops in your ass."
Cherlene: "I'm eating them... Jesus what is wrong with you?"
Lana: "I guess I just don't get art."
Pam: "You obviously don't."
Cyril: "Archer! Alligators or your mother!"
Archer: "What's the difference? They're both cold-blooded prehistoric monsters."
Archer: "Oh so Cyril, what I was gonna say was... Maybe don't throw out all the guns because you know what they say... It's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the world's biggest dickhead, and inside your head there's a million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you know..."
Cyril: "Dicks?"
Archer: "Oh, so you have heard that."
Archer: "Ma, they done killed old Rando."
Malory: "Because you are a timid man Cyril."
Cyril: "What? No I'm not!"
Pam: "Dude your balls are made of pussy!"
Archer: "Hahahahahahaha! Ow!"
Malory: "Woodhouse dear I need some more ice."
Woodhouse: "Straightaway, m'am."
Malory: "Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor."
Lana: "You're not emasculating Krieger."
Krieger: "What the hell was the mirror for?"
Malory: "So you could watch."
Krieger: "Eep!"

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