Template:Episode infobox"Archer Vice: The Rules of Extraction" is the eighth episode of Archer Vice (season 5) and the fifty-seventh episode overall.
Plot
Lana and Pam plan a spa day for Malory. Meanwhile, Archer, Ray and Cyril raft down a crocodile-filled river.
After the last episode, Archer, Cyril, and Ray are being taken to La Culebra, by two cops, who are drinking heavily in the jeep. Cyril sees a cow in the road ahead, and cries out, "Cow!" The driver swerves to miss the cow and ends up driving off the road and into the jungle. After tumbling down, the trio find themselves in a upside down jeep, with two incapacitated guards. Assuming that Ray is dead, Archer and Cyril try to get the keys from the guards.
Cyril sneezes, causing Archer to get extremely upset with him, seeing as how Archer had the keys in his toes, they then find out that Ray is still alive, with the keys in his mouth. After freeing both Cyril and Archer, the trio find themselves in a predicament, as Ray is once again paralyzed.
Meanwhile in New York, Lana is helping redline Cherlene's contract. Lana tries to call Archer's phone, but gets a techno playback with flashing lights in Cherlene's manor. Cherlene and Pam dance with glow sticks, until Krieger comes in and bashes the intercom in with a wrench, admitting that he wasn't sure how Archer pulls off this voice mail prank. Malory says that she isn't sure how much more she can take, and that she is getting a migraine.
Back in Colombia, Cyril tries to take command, but that only causes Archer and Ray to laugh at him. Due to Ray's suggestion the three of them decide to raft down a river. This causes Archer panic as one of his biggest fears is crocodiles.
Lana talks to Pam and Cherlene about what they could do to help Malory relieve some of her stress. Lana then decides to help Malory relax, by hosting a spa day.
Cyril asks Archer why he is so afraid of crocodiles, and Archer tells him because he's afraid of any Apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Ray gets fed up with Archer talking about his fears, and throws a hat he wove into the river, causing a crocodile to jump up and eat the hat. The first crocodile chomps down on one of the guards, and then two more come along, and eat the other guard. Archer then throws a tank of gas near the crocodiles, and fires at it with a M-16. Ray blames being in the jungle on Archer but Archer tries to rebut Ray's argument saying that his mother was the one who bought two thousand pounds of cocaine.
In New York, Malory asks Lana, where she would get 2 thousand pounds of cocaine, and then suggests that Archer probably got the cocaine from the same place that he got the venereal disease that no doctor had ever seen before. This causes Lana, Pam, and Cherlene to panic. Malory replies by saying, "Trust me, if you had it, you'd know."
Ray, still upset at Archer's insane antics, lights a cigarette and throws the match on the raft, forgetting that there was spilled gasoline from Archer shooting at the tank. Archer pours gasoline onto Ray, and then Cyril, and then kicks Cyril into the river, telling him that he has to swim for it. Archer then throws gasoline onto himself, before jumping into the river with Ray on his shoulders.
Archer, Ray, and Cyril stumble upon a drug narcotics ring who are planning on taking drugs out from Colombia on an airplane. After a fire fight, Archer and the guys subdue the narcotics gang. After a small argument between Archer and Ray, Archer admits that he does stupid things that puts the rest of them in extreme danger, Ray then says that all he ever wanted, and then reveals that he isn't actually paralyzed.
While they are on the airplane heading home supposedly, Archer asks why they are no longer using phrasing anymore.
Trivia
- The title of the episode is possibly a reference to the novel The Rules of Attraction or its film adaptation.
- Archer mentions B.J. and the Bear which was an actual TV show that ran from 1979 to 1981.
- When Archer says, "Eat a dick, jungle" That was a callback to "El Contador".
- This is the second episode to justify Archer's extreme fear of alligators and crocodiles, the first being "Pipeline Fever" in season 2.[1]
- It is revealed that the reason behind Archer's fear of crocodiles is because they are Apex predators and lived through the (K-T) extinction, and have had no physical need to evolve the entire time.
- During Archer's explanation on why he's scared of crocodiles, Ray interrupts him and sings the chorus to "Waiting for Tonight", a song made popular by Jennifer Lopez.
- Archer identifies Crocodylus acutus and Crocodylus intermedius as possible species of crocodiles they might encounter. He also mentions four possible species of caiman, including the black caiman.
- Archer is revealed to have contracted a new kind of venereal disease that no doctor has ever seen before, causing Lana, Cheryl and Pam, all of whom had sex with Archer in the past, to panic. Malory's response is, "Trust me, if you had it, you'd know."
- This is the fourth instance of Ray once again being paralyzed[2][3][4], although it is the second instance of his faking it[5].
- Cherlene (Cheryl)'s guitar is a reference to Stevie Ray Vaughan's guitar "Number One."
- It is revealed this episode that Malory and Sterling each assume that the other brought the cocaine, leaving it a mystery as to its actual origins.
- It is hinted that Malory and Pam at one point had sex (most likely during the events of Swiss Miss).
Quotes
- Lana: "I think we should move on. They're not gonna let you kill a guy."
- Cherlene: "What about a dwarf?"
- Malory: "What about Sterling?!"
- Cherlene: "Wait, he's a dwarf now?"
- Malory: "He's missing!"
- Ray: "Wait. Where am I in that scenario?"
- Archer: "I guess getting pooped out of a jaguar!"
- Cyril: "What do crocodiles eat?"
- Archer: "Everything! They eat everything! And fear is their bacon bits."
- Cherlene: "I don't understand what you're saying."
- Lana: "Damn it! Look I think Malory is genuinely going through a really hard time right now, so I think we should do something nice for her."
- Cherlene: "I don't understand what you're say..."
- Lana: "God damn it!"
- Malory: "I took three Valium! If I get any more relaxed, I may literally die."
- Lana: "Ugh. I loathe knowing that I had sex with the same person as you two."
- Pam: "What! You had sex with me!"
- Lana: "No, I... Oh my God, that's right."
- Malory: "Ha!"
- Pam: "What are you laughing at?"
- Malory: "Oh my God, that's right."
- Cyril: "Well you did set the raft on fire."
- Ray: "Oh my God, you always take his side!"
- Cyril: "I never ever, EVER take his side!"
- Cyril: "What if I need a gun?"
- Archer: "Um... Here."
- Cyril: "Oh, come on."
- Archer: "The only limit is your imagination. Pyoo! pyoo!"
- Lana: "Thanks you guys. I think the spa day took her mind off Archer being missing even if it almost got weird."
- Cherlene: "She made it weird."
- Lana: "No, you did. Nobody wants an enema."
- Cherlene: "Some people..."
- Lana: "Not with yogurt."
- Narco Boss: "What the hell is that?"
- Archer: "Pyoo! Pyoo!"
- Narco Boss: "Do you have any idea who we are?"
- Archer: "Mmm... Nope. Do you know who we are?"
- Narco Boss : "No..."
- Archer: *burp* "Then blow me."
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