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Coyote Lovely/Transcript

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Now tell me exactly what happened. You, through some shady deal with the Border Patrol, sent us to south Texas to capture an individual named Moreno - Mexico's most notorious coyote - Which is espa�ol for people-smuggler. Thanks, that's -- And also for coyote, turns out. Archer -- It's a loanword. Or is it a calque? Why do you always do this? Because I'm always bored. Is he -- this is totally nerve wracking! How are you bored? ! Don't engage him. Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours, in the sunblasted shithole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job! And probably Mexican cartel gunmen! What'd I just say? Big whoop, I'm spooning a Barrett fifty-cal. I could kill a building. Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop. Please. This is what he does. He knows we're tense because we're normal human beings. My theory, and I'm serious, is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism. Your uh, mic's hot. I know. Wow. - Well, here comes the truck - Okay, we're in position. Great, so after we catch him, you can intentionally hurt his feelings. Okay, first of all -- Can I hold the fake baby! Will you man up? ! Kimberly Kevlar? ! Here we go. Archer, you ready? Hang on Lana, I'm stacking rocks in order of descending size. See, right there, that's Oye! Mueve el coche! Hi, yeah, we broke down? And -- Bueno pues, los traspaso! Don't run over us, we have a baby! Oops. Es un robo! Vaya! Archer! Not talking to you. Ay! I can do this all day! Since I find repetitive behavior so calming! Jesus Christ, I'm sorry! Ow! Apologize to my tinnitus! Now hands up, Moreno! It's over! - What're you -- that's not Moreno - I am Moreno! Moreno is a woman. No shit. I don't understand. If Moreno had surrendered, how did it go so wrong? Uh, well, kinda slowly at first I said slowly! Whoa, hey, ladies, c'mon! I know the adrenaline's still pumping, but let's, ya know, de-escalate the situation. Oh for -- de-escalate your dick. De -- wait. Escalate shutting up. Hola, soy Sterling Archer, agente de -- De ISIS, no? Wait, how did you -- Lana, Mexico gets the news! I think, do you guys, uh, las not�cias? Well, here's some news-- Now this is happening. I actually have some thoughts on that. No, you actually -- Do, and those thoughts are, how about we let Se�or ita? S�. Awesome, Se�orita Moreno go, with a stern warning, if she promises never to do this again, maybe over a drink? Hola? Oh shit, I forgot there's people in there. Cyril, open the door, idiot. Don't push me! And do not! Open that door! But -- c'mon, they gotta be roasting. Well I'm sorry, but if we let 'em out, then boom! They scatter! To where? ! Uh, our overburdened health care system? Ooh! Or maybe our tax-funded government schools, for which - spoiler ahead - they don't pay taxes! How is a Lorax-blowing treehugger like you anti-immigration? ! Because illegal immigration-- Exactly! I mean, it's not like your ancestors, ya know had papers! Wow. Cyril I said open the door! And I said don't push me! And then very, very suddenly. Because I couldn't hear you! Over the sound! Of now I'm punching you! Dammit Archer, let him -- Oops. Lana! Have you lost your mind? ! No, just my temper. Now open the goddamn door. And Se�orita Moreno, you're free to go. Although the appropriate thing would be to buy me a thank-you drink. Uh? What're you doing. What are you doing? ! You almost killed Lana! - Nnghh - No, see, she's fine! She's not fine, she's at least got a concussion! So? You get like, six freebies. No you don't! Yes you do, Cyril, now put it down! You put it down! It's over! We are turning Moreno over to the border patrol and taking Lana to a hospital! Can't let you do that. The first part, hospital's probably a good idea. Well, then we'll just see what your mother has to say about it! Do not call her, I swear to God I'll -- wait, hang on, are you wearing kevlar? Yes, because I'm not an idi -- oh no. Sorry, I know that hurt. Nnghhhh There, just like "The Defiant Ones. " Now then, I believe there was some mention of a thank-you drink? So, just so I'm clear You expect me to believe that Sterling beat both of you up, then shot Cyril? - Uh - Uh For some haggard Mexican? - I wouldn't really describe her as haggard - I would. Of course you would. But, shut up, tempers were kinda high, about the illegals in the truck. Oh who cares about them. Not Lana. Still, though, it doesn't-- Do you mind? ! Yes, it's the most stupidest boring job in the whole stupid boring world! But you insist that we do it. Not right this second! Remind me, Pam, when did Ms. Archer say she wanted us to shred this crap? You did say right this second. I said it on Tuesday! Well? ! Well what? ! I actually don't have a follow-up. But speaking of, I bet a Mexican would do this for a buck an hour. Those documents are top-secret! You let Pam do it. Dicknuts. I'm just sayin, they work hard as hell, and they work cheap. Cheap, because they don't pay taxes! Thank you! And when did you work with Mexicans? Where do you think milk comes from? How's it hangin, Jorge? Bien, Miss Pam. How are joo? Yeah, I think you're ready. Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from? ! Thank you. Labor of love. Well? Then what? I suppose next you'll tell me Sterling drove off in the truck with this Mexican woman? Uh, no. Because if you will recall Archer shot out the engine block And I don't think she was the only one he drove off with So where did they all go? And how? Who the hell knows where? ! Although we do have a working theory on how Hey I'm serious, if I have to pull this car over you will regret it! So share the goddamn Doritos! Yeah, lookin right at you, Lupe. You want me to look for what? A station wagon! Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears. A station wagon. In all of Texas. - Yeah, or Arizona, Mexico, New Mexico - Oh my God. You just got that. Mmmokay, but that's gonna be kind of a needle in a -- hey, is that it? ! Oh. No, it was-- Is that it? Is that it? Is that it? Or is it that? Is that it? Alright, point -- Wait wait wait wait! Is that it? ! Point taken! Ow! Hey, ya know what? ! Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents. Just say the word. Krieger! No! Or, nein, or -- And how the hell is this our fault? - Rrrnn - She slapped you so hard you died. - No, I think I'm really dyin - KRIEGER I know. Hey, there's Archer. Aaaaaaagh! Ugh, whoever that was, I'm serious, pretty sure you've got giardia. I'm serious, please, thank you, but we need to get back into Mexico. Solo para reagruparnos! What the hell kind of plan is this? ! Mmm, I dunno if I'd call it a plan? No one would! We can't drive around Texas! What about the border patrol? ! The what? What in the hell? ! Ten-eighty, we got a ten-eighty! Neat! Puto cabezamierda pendejo cabron! Ow! Ow! I'm really starting to regret helping you! Wh-? This is the opposite of help! Which no one asked you for anyway! That's what makes it so noble! Est� loco! Loco, no s�. Tal vez autismo. Goddammit Chuy I don't have autism! I thought if I let you go you'd at least blow me! Pinche cabezamierda pendejo cabron! You think I am some kind of whore? ! No, but -- Chuy, back me up here, was there not, like, a cock-hungry vibe? Driver. Driver. Driver! Hey guys! Can you escort us to a hospital? I bet at least three of these woman are about to give birth. Whoa, okay, okay, I'm pulling ov -- We're ten-fifty we're ten-fifty! What the shit? ! Who did that? ! Malo, Lupe, muy malo! Oh, plus you are just covered in polvo Dorito! Di�s mio, don't kill them! What? ! God, what kind of person do you think I am? I really think you might be insane. That was more of a rhetorical-- But I also think you make a big risk, to help some poor people who just want a better life for their family. And that, to me, is muy admirable. See? I knew you wanted to blow m -- Sorry, that was inappropriate. Although so was the response. Drop the weapon! Drop it! Here. You are crazy! They'll kill us! Uh-uh, empty. Wh-? Last warning! Those are three-fifty-seven, ow, Ruger sixes. They each fired six. How did you count them? ! I'm just super good at that. Oh my God, maybe I am autistic. O. K. ya dirty-ass beaner! That's it! Qu�? ! I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of espera, ten�a algo para esto. But I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for that racial slur. S�? What about the racial profiling? Whatever happened to probable cause? Our probable cause is the border! Which we protect from terrorists? Look, we're just doin our job here. Shittily Two-for-twelve at that distance? Although, two does seem like plenty. Mijo, no debes beber. Really, you learn that in med school? ! Lo siento, Lupe, tengo mucho dolor. But quit hogging the beads, I'm sure Marisol and Paz wanna pray. And these people aren't -- I mean not to sound racist, but - we all know who the terrorists are - Los musulmanes. Lupe! C'mon, you're in America now, you just imply it. Hey, let us go. You got our first aid kit, the radio outta the truck so you - can monitor the police band - And, not to sound racist again? But how many Mexicans does it take to hook up a car stereo? ! Hey! Well? ! Well what? ! Don't actually have a follow-up. But seriously, Chuy, que the hell pasa? I dunno, the police band is working, but now the eight-track is not. Why! Would we need the eight-track? ! - Oh, that can't be good - Basta! Vamonos! We go to hospital! You two! Get your ass off the car! You can't just leave us here! We're twenty miles away from our last call-in! We'll die out here! Goddamnit I'm actually gonna take that back I'm glad you took the time to fix it. Eight-track was the way to go. What do you mean "Way to go"? Which you clearly said sarcastically. I mean, thanks to you, now there might not be any reward money, which I had earmarked for -- vital operations. You were gonna re-do your office. Picture it all sort of pan-Asian Mod, and the carpet just a sea of white! But now I'm stuck with cat-puke green. Because you couldn't control Sterling. Since when is babysitting Archer my job, my God, that's exactly my job Which, to belabor the point, you failed. Now he's run off with this old Mexican woman to who knows where! Ewww! Put a shirt on, what is wrong with you? ! Archer! Is what is wrong with me! And not that I care, at all, but have you tried calling him? Please, with those idiot voicemails? Ugh. - Although, it couldn't hurt - Hang on, I should get that Now? - Trust me, if you knew my mother - Please, if you knew mine. But you should not be talking right now. And he really shouldn't be drinkin. Really? You learn that in med school? That you obviously didn't get into? ! I'm sorry, veterinarian, I'm in a lot of pain. I don't even know how you're alive. I'm very strong. And also very drunk. Which, paging Doctor D. T. McShakyhands? Seriously, get your shit together. Mother? - Listen, I'm sorry, I take - Equal responsibility, with Lana Wh-? ! But -- ow! C'mon, Katy Hepburn! The stupid Border Patrol shot me, twice, and I could really use a medivac chopper. I'm kinda near -- hey, where -- Goddammit man, pace yourself! See? They just get more and more elaborate, and then it's "ha ha beep" and then somehow I'm the idiot. What? ! No no no this isn't a voi-- Smail. Well, I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere, but -- ow! Hic! That oughta do 'er. Gracias a Di�s! And to you, doctor! You truly have the gift of healing! Boy, I wish you'd tell that to the licensing board. You don't even have a vet license? ! Thanks to one petty local politician. And one petty barn fulla dead horses. Will you shut up and stitch me up? ! Although if that wasn't a prank, and the Border Patrol did shoot him Inappropriate. - Oh he just has to ruin everything - Yeah, so watch - out for dehydration - Thank you, doctor, we will. And also for internal bleeding. We -- And sepsis. We -- And MRSA. We -- And probably not a bad idea to get him tested for feline AIDS. We get it! Now can we go already? ! He said, in agony, because the unlicensed vet drank all his tequila! Es mejor, no debes beber. Lupe, ya tengo una madre! Now go! Thank you, doctor. Oh, don't thank me. Seriously, I probably did more harm than good, so if there's any way to get to one, a medivac chopper wouldn't kill him. Less he got flung up into the blades somehow. - Yeah, that'd do it - That will do, thank you! I -- wait, but two Border Patrol agents are missing, Archer's missing, and you want us to do nothing? Yes, just like you've done up to now. Malory, we -- But thank you both for all that you did do. Which, again, was nothing. Nothing -- I got shot! Any idiot can get shot, Cyril! Ask Brett! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make some calls to see if I can get my son out of this mess. How's it hangin, Grimace? Owww! Why? Why's the AC on? That's not the AC, it's the heat! Then why's it so cold? - Porque vas al cielo - Really doubt I'm going to heaven Well, dying. No he's not! - Well, you say that - We'll never make it in time in this crappy car! You need a helicopter! Yeah, I dunno if you heard, but-- I don't have access to a helicopter. They do. C'mon, we're in enough trouble already! With who. - Dammit - You call headquarters, you say an innocent Amer -- Republican was shot in a gunfight with some illegals Wh-? No, that'll just make you people look worse! No, not worse as in -- okay, screw you guys, you know what I meant. But if they call this in, you'll -- We will be far away by then. And besides, what kind of car will the Border Patrol be looking for? A ridiculous lowrider truck with fender-flares and louvers and shit? Exacto. And so, Mr. Archer, I'm afraid for us, this is adios. Adios? Not hasta pronto, or -- So, I'm guessing that's a no possible on the blowjob? Adios, lindo. Well, if that ain't a big loada shit Turns out he's some kinda spook. Dude, phrasing! He's right here! Don't listen to him, you're beautiful. As is whatever you're doing, with the, morphine-wise. Keep that coming. That was my boss's boss's boss. He says yer ass gets total immunity! Ha ha! For helping the most notorious coyote in todo Mexico, Mercedes Moreno? ! Mercedes? Vrooom! - Shit, she must be her daughter - Wait, whose daughter? Maria Moreno, dumbass. She's who we're after. Bet she smuggles in a thouzna them sumbitches a year. But word on the street is, now she's expanding! Gonna start bringin em in convoys! And blow me if we can catch her. Mmm! But if Mercedes isn't then why would but oh, hang on a sec. Dear Sterling. You probably should not be reading this out loud, bec -- Because hopefully you are with the Border Patrol, on the way to a real hospital. I'm so sorry you got shot. And I don't know how to tell you this, but we did not meet by accident. We knew you would be there, Sterling. Vale vale, ah� estan. Prep�rate. We knew your strengths And we also knew your -- well, one of your many, many weaknesses. Por suerte no es Ray Gillette, eh? And then well, you know the rest. What the mierda! Cuidate, Sterling Archer, te guardar� siempre en mi coraz�n. But who? ! Oh hang on, there's a -- P.S., and as for who -- wait, hang on. Oh, Lupe says she will be praying for you. And as for who, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but maybe - you know someone who values money - Oh my Mother. More than their so-called principles? So what do you care if it's in pesos? Well, actually, no, I was, but then I thought white carpet? Because he wouldn't believe what those *** are. What are you doing? What? Nothing. I'm just a hologram. Anyhoo 

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