|Written by||Adam Reed|
|Original air date||March 1, 2012|
Archer's sex life compromises his effectiveness as an agent. But more seriously than the countless other times. Nikolai Jakov defects to the United States and is killed by Archer's drunken incompetence.
- It is learned that Jakov's Assistant is a Junior Lieutenant.
- During the wake sequence the corpse is shown laid out on a pool table. This is in homage to The Wire. On The Wire when a policeman is killed his body is laid out on a pool table at the bar and his fellow cops get drunk with the deceased 1 last time.
- At the strip club, Pam throws waffles at the stripper and says "Woo! I'm Pacman Jones!", referring to incident back in 2007 where the cornerback "made it rain" (with actual money) in a Las Vegas strip club.
- Malory: "Oh, you poor dear. On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please let me be the first to offer my condolences."
- Archer: "And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool... and/or my new hottub."
- Lana: "Seriously, how can you be drinking after last night?
- Archer: "How can you not?"
- Lana: "Because I don't have a problem."
- Malory: "Well, I do."
- Archer: "First step's admitting it, Mother."
- Malory: "Wh--? Not with drinking!"
- Archer & Lana: "Ehh..."
- Archer: "Well, I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out, I would die of shame."
- Pam: "Well, how do you think that makes me feel?"
- Archer: "I don't care, Pam! Now, having said that, would you please come into this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?"
- Barry: "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kinda shitty."
- Jakov: "Thirty years of my life I give to the KGB, and now you, this...this traitorous cyborg, are sitting at my desk? How would you put it?!"
- Barry: "(laughs) Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh? Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia."
- Jakov: "Siberia?"
- Barry: "Well, Barry can't have you moping around here, y'know, sowing the discontent."
- Boris: "Is bad for morale."
- Jakov: "Et tu, Brute?"
- Boris: "Et me, buddy."
- Barry: "So, here's my advice to you: dress in layers. And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting."
- Jakov: "I would never defect! I love Mother Russia."
- Barry: "Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop? I-I'm kidding, obviously. I mean, you're gonna be, like, six hundred miles from a toilet."
- Barry: "Now Jakov's got a twelve-hour head start and the details of every single KGB operation in the globe in his fat, combed-over head!"
- Boris: "Ah, and you have no idea where he went."
- Barry: "Well, I assume he's in New York, with those shit-bitching-ass-bastard-Archers!"
- Boris: "But--"
- Barry: "I can assume you're already an ass! So contact our sleeper in New York, and then cancel all my meetings this week, because I will also be in New York. Murdering people."
- Archer: "I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me."
- Pam: "C'mon, you make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks."
- Archer: "A terrifying yet accurate comparison. Where'd you learn all that stuff?"
- Pam: "You know I grew up on a farm, right?"
- Archer: "Really hoping that's not relevant."
- Jakov: "How can you just leave me here?"
- Archer: "Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality."
- Lana: (On the phone) "Archer, don't talk, just listen."
- Archer: "Why, what's up? What do--"
- Lana: "Jakov's intel is bad, and Barry's got some sort of master plan that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril!"
- Cyril: "Who has apologized profusely--"
- Ray: "Quiet game!"
- Lana: "So we're gonna regroup at the safe house and try to... figure out.... goddamn it."
- Ray: "What?"
- Lana: "Wait for it."
- Archer's voicemail: "(Laughs) LEAVE IT!"
- (Lana smashes her cell phone.)
- Jakov: "You son of bitch! You actually think you'll get away with this?"
- Barry: "(Laughs) Obviously. Why else would I do it?"
- Archer: (On the phone) "Hello. Hello? Oh, for-- Mother, this isn't voicemail. Mother, come on! The time is... exactly 7:16 and I wish they were, but even my voicemail pranks aren't that elaborate. MOTHER!"
- Malory: "Sterling?"
- Archer: "Leave it. Just kidding."
- Archer: "That was, uh... my, uh... The man who might've been my father...just died."
- Pam: "Awkward."
- Archer: "And it's all my fault, because instead of doing my job, I was here, half-drunk and having amazing sex."
- Pam: "Well, I wouldn't say 'amazing'"
- Archer: "..."
- Pam: "What? C'mon, you were pushing rope!"
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