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El Contardor/Transcript

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C'mon Cyril, beat it, get outta here.
This meeting's for field agents only.
Which brings me to item one.
We don't have enough field agents to effectively run our covert operations.
Especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed.
Yeah that's me, Mr.
Selfish.
More like Ms.
Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.
What?! Do what?! Hey, that sounds great, best of luck.
Where do you think you're going? Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.
Get back in here! Mother the chevrons are locking! And Cyril is utterly, laughably unqualified to be a field agent! Some offense.
Some taken.
Well, none of you were qualified when you first started.
And you've already given Cyril some training Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk! No it didn't! It easily could have! Malory, you can't just -- End! Of discussion.
And since this meeting is for field agents only You're taking me out of the field?! Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart.
[annoyed sigh] This is Roma¡n Calzado, the notorious Colombian drug lord.
And hopefully an infusion of much-needed capital.
Since when are we bounty hunters? Since the DEA's budget was gutted by all those federal spending cutbacks.
Which is ridiculous, given the current economy.
The most efficient way to decrease the budget deficit is to increase tax revenue, through, um Cyril don't make me regret this decision.
Sorry.
And if you were in my tax bracket you wouldn't be spouting that socialist propaganda.
Or wearing such shitty clothes.
Or doing such shitty missions! What are you talking about? The reward is a million dollars! Exactly, and how many drug users could be treated with that money? Who cares?! Seriously?! Lana, they'd just go buy a million dollars worth of crack with it.
You don't give them the money.
You can't, they'll blow it on crack.
Oh my God.
No they won't, because it'll in the ISIS bank account.
Because you're going to get Calzado, dead or alive.
And Cyril, dress appropriately, you'll be helicoptering into the jungle.
Coool Oh, and this whole thing reminds me Pam? Nine AM Friday morning, all ISIS employees will take a drug test.
Nkay.
And knock off that damn beatboxing! Ugh.
Last week it was freestyling.
Yes, this LZ! You dumbass! Where we are right now! In twenty four hours! And you better be here! What a dick.
Well he's probably just under a lot of stress.
Since he's our only way out of th stupid jungle! Dumbass! Seriously Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
Ms.
Archer said dress for the tropics! Tropics or Busch Gardens? Hey, ya know what?! Yes.
Heckle? Jeckle? Between us and Calzado's fortified compound there's about ten clicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.
So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut up again, and start walking.
Any questions? Cyril.
What's a click.
Yeah you say that all the time and I never know what you're talking about.
I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort? Nuh-uhh! Swear to God, first thing Friday morning we all gotta pee in a cup - Which I can't even do y'all Cleaning out my freezer last week, found a big bag of skank.
I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but -- But it's just a pot test, right?! No, stupid.
All drugs.
Oh shit.
I call 'em grooving bears.
How bout you, Ironsides? You rollin dirty? Umm Possibly.
Well then we're all screwed.
Talking about the drug test, huh? Duh.
Well -- What if I told you I had a way to beat any drug test in the world.
Are you telling us that? Yes.
Well? What is it?! I call it Krieger-Kleanse.
It's an herbal tea, all-natural, and it's guaranteed to rid your body of all traces of any illicit substance.
Well here, gimme gimme give it! Ah ah ahh! I literal - figuratively scoured the globe for these special herbs, at no small expense to myself.
Ugh.
How much.
Hundred bucks each.
[ Complaining ] Or you can save your money, and try your luck in the current job market.
Non-sequential bills, please.
Well then why not just say kilometer? Because shut up.
Jungle ziiing So it says here that Calzado isn't even the head of the whole operation Cyril.
He's actually just a distributor for somebody named La Sombra.
The Shade? Cyril.
No, I bet in this context, The Shadow.
Cyril.
Oof.
Hey, what's your problem? My problem is I don't want a thousand of steel balls to shred my genitals.
Huh? Claymore mine.
Full of steel balls that fly a thousand meters - or one click - a second, right at dick level.
Jeezy petes Or ass level, which in your case would also take off your head.
So quit reading and pay attention.
But there's a lot of useful stuff in here, organizational charts, inventory and cash-flow analyses spreadsheets? Of what, possible outcomes with a twenty-sided die? Well you don't need a spreadsheet for that Yeah and you don't need one to know you're gonna suck at being a field agent Cyril.
So why do you wanna be one? I dunno, I just wanna feel like I'm a part of the team, ya know? I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.
Wow, not afraid to dump out your purse in the jungle, huh? Okay Cyril, then lesson One-A.
In a potentially hostile environment, like this, the key is total situational awareness.
Okay You look, you listen, you smell.
And you remember to check your six.
My six what.
Is that my gun? The old six shooter.
Oh my God, a clock Cyril, It means behind you.
Because the last thing you want is -- Uh Lana, hold up a sec? Archer we don't have a -- Cyril? Yeah, that's why I said hold up.
Archer! Don't yell at me, I looked away for literally literally one second! Well where the hell did he go?! I dunno, it's like he just You're looking for Predator, aren't you? Yes.
Couple things.
A, he's invisible -- Not totally, he has a telltale shimmer.
Ow! And B, lower your frickin voice.
MAN: Á¡Oye!! Manos arriba! Is that Cyril? MAN: ¿Quien es?! No, it's not whimpery enough.
Cyril! Cyril! God damn it.
Well, look on the bright side.
Which is? Which is what? What's the bright side?! Oh.
That's a figure of speech.
All I'm saying is there are a million green rectangularly reasons to complete the mission, and zero reasons not to.
You mean besides Cyril getting captured.
Yeah! Besides that.
And if Calzado's men got Cyril, we'll rescue him when we get Calzado.
Problemo solvedo.
What if it was F.
A.
R.
K.
or V.
E.
L.
N.
Then we'll use some of the million dollar reward to pay his ransom.
So shut up, Cyril's going to be fine.
Unless a tiger ate him.
Tigers don't live in South America.
Well at least one does because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
That was a jaguar, dumbass.
Thanks, Marlon Perkins.
I think I know a tiger when I hear one.
Every time, your big fat mouth get's us caught, every time.
Not every time, like a third of the time.
And a thousand bucks that's a tiger Lana.
If this doesn't work we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.
Yeah, well here's shit in your eye.
Oh god, it tastes worse than it smells.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy said that, I'd have eight nickels.
Archer, I swear to God if you don't shut up.
I'm just saying if it comes down to that, and I hope it doesn't, there's no sense in us both getting raped.
Fernando, our special guests must not be injured in any way.
Uh, does that include rape related injuries? Of course.
No one is going to rape you.
What is wrong with you? We're scared.
We're just tourists, see, and our car broke down.
So the assault weapons and plastic explosives, why do you have these? O.
: yes, let me explain.
Busted, we're arms dealers.
No, I think not.
I Think you are hunting Roma¡n Calzado.
In the hopes of a million dollar reward.
O.
K.
yes, busted again.
But I think now we're kinda rethinking that.
So, if I give you two million, will you go away and say you never found me? I -- Oh my God, totally yes.
Then we give mother a million and you and I can split the other million.
Calzado, you've got yourself a deal.
Excellent.
But of course I was joking.
Obviously I can not allow you to live.
No, yes you can.
Or choose not to, whatever, besides, throwing money away like that would not please el contador.
El contador, doesn't that mean.
The accountant, si.
Cyril?! Que? No he said cereal.
Que? Cerealas.
El quiere desayuno.
And people in hell want ice water.
Oye.
Pardon.
Oh my God! I'm gonna die in a toilet stall just like the gypsy said.
Damn that Krieger.
Nazi-clone-bastard.
Well, we don't know it was the tea.
Aagh! Who the hell are you?! I'm your friend, Pam, I'm -- Pam?! You're not my friend, you're a Decepticon.
Waaaagh! How are you both still alive?! The floor is lava! The floor is lava! Clinical trial thirteen.
Subjects' responses are exceeding expectations.
Pam you're melting! You're melting! Because the floor is lah-vuh-huhhhh! Must! Kill! Decepticon! Oh, which reminds me: call Terry.
RROWWR! The tiger says RROWWR! The tiger also says you owe me a thousand dollars, so - No! I don't! Because I didn't bet! The welsher says Psssst! No, that's a snake.
Oh boy, am I glad to see you guys! Cyril, what the hell's going on?! Are you a drug dealer now, or? What? No! And you guys aren't gonna believe what happened! I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever, so I was just gonna duck off the trail And you remember to check your six.
My six what? Before I knew what was happening Oh man, right in my new pants! Á¡Oye! Hellooo HENCHMAN:! Manos arriba!¿! Quien es?! And I only had a second to answer, so I thought, what would Lana do? Not Archer? No, I had to outsmart them.
He said, suddenly too big for his shit-caked britches.
Archer.
And then it came to me! Uh quien soy? Soy el contador! Enviado de La Sombra! Donde esta¡ Calzado?! What's a La Sombra? Calzado's boss, don't you remember the dossier? No.
Yes.
But, what about the gunshot? Then they brought me here, and I bluffed my way through the rest La Sombra did not say you were coming.
Well, I assume he did not want to give you the time to cook your books.
I -- that -- I swear I don't do that! Well, then you are a fool.
¿Que? You pay La Sombra sixty-four cents on every dollar you make, no? Mmmmas o menos, pero I can get that down to thirty cents, and he will never even know.
Si?! Pero como?! You just leave that to me, amigo.
Wait, what's in this for you? We split the difference, of course! But first I need some clean clothes.
This is not mud all over my pants.
It's caca.
Holy shit, Cyril! Literally.
Yeah, really kinda wish I'd skipped the diarrhea part Forget that, you did great! Really? It figuratively kills me to say this Cyril, but yeah, you did.
So now what, what's the plan? Oh.
Well, I was hoping you guys could come up with something.
And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.
Why, what's -- What is going on here?! Ah, amigo! I was just mocking this giant negress and her sissy sidekick.
Yes, they are ridiculous, no? Are the accommodations to your liking? Honestly? No.
You shouldn't even keep animals in these conditions.
Look at them.
Cement floors, steel bars, no room to run around, nothing to play with Ah, I think perhaps you are confusing this with a zoo.
I think, maybe, it's all these exotic animals.
Yes, exotic animals for me to hunt.
You hunt them?! How can you do that?! Like this.
God damn dude.
But you see? Even the majestic Bengal tiger is too easy to kill! It's boring! Which is why tomorrow at dawn, I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world! Jai alai? Us! What?! Si.
So sleep well, amigos! I want you rested and strong for tomorrow! Venga, Senor Contador, cenamos juntos! So yeah, try to think of a plan! Well, go ahead and say it.
Say what.
How since we're gonna die in the morning we should have sex now.
After seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana? No offense, but I'm not really in the mood.
If you want, I can watch while you masturbate.
But I can tell you right now my he's not gonna be in it.
It will be with that tiger's family.
But, go ahead, start.
And so begins the hunt for the most dangerous game! Hooray So what are the les here, exactly? Lana be still.
You get a thirty-minute head start.
Then El Contador and I, just us, alone, will track you and kill you.
Uh, uh oh! Can they split up? Ehhh, sure, why not.
Then I propose a friendly wager.
We each hunt one of them, and the first to kill his quarry is the winner.
I like this idea.
But which -- I get the woman called it boom! I -- alright, since you called it.
¡Oye! Cochino Okay, let's hunt some humans! Go go go go gunngh! Are you really that selfish?! Apparently! Clinical trial thirteen, update.
As hypothesized, after mind-shredding hallucinations, subjects B and C have lapsed into deep unconsciousness Subject A, however, remains at large.
Begin clinical trial fourteen Lana? Lana.
Where the heck is - shmmpf! Don't scream, it's me.
Oh thank God, I thought those were yeti hands Never gets old.
But good idea back there, getting everybody to split up.
Thanks, yeah, I figured you'd know to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy -- Which we've only got about an hour to get to so -- -- and I figured once I found you we could work together to rescue Archer, capture Calzado, and escape.
Ya know, you don't actually suck at this.
Really? You're thinking tactically, making quick decisions and I gotta tell ya, confidence is pretty damn sexy.
Reeally Theoretically.
Sorry.
Okay, you're doing pretty well so far, so what's the plan, rookie? And sooner would be better than later.
Yeah, Calzado's on a darn threewheeler.
Can you believe that guy? Who, the drug-lord who hunts humans for sport? I know, but that's just lame.
Cyril? Uh, uh, okay, so we have to assume Archer's heading back to the LZ too, but he can't possibly outrun Calzado Yeah, neither can we, so? We don't need to outrun him! Just Archer! What? Come on! Oww! Oh eat a dick, jungle! Cover it with malaria and leeches, sprinkle some dengue fever on it, and eat a big goddamn jungly dick! Yeah, you do that, and I'll just wait here for a bask of Orinoco crocodiles to wander by and eat me.
Oh great, that's probably them now, tearing around on specially-equipped croc-choppers.
Wait, what the? Goddess of the Jungle, I take it all back! For when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my thiiiiiirrrrst! Goddess of the Jungle, you are a whore.
Oh thank God, I thought you were crocodiles.
Crocodiles? On a three-wheeler? Right? How scary would that be? Mmm, probably not as scary as knowing that I am going to cut you down from there, and then gut you like a fish.
Well then you're obviously an idiot when it comes to crocodiles, AKA the world's most deadliest predators.
I am the world's deadliest predator! Or are you? ÿQue? Cyril?! No breakfast for you! No, that's my name, Calzado.
Cyril Figgis ISIS agent.
Bastardo mentiroso! ISIS?! That's right.
And you're under arrest.
Albeit extra-judicially.
Over my dead body! Well, that can be arranged.
Lana? Hellooo Ay, caramba Wh-? Wait a minute, was I just bait?! That's right, Archer.
All part of my brilliant plan.
Lana, get some vines and tie him up, chop-chop.
Chop-chop? Here we go Uh yeah, it means hurry? C'mon, we got a chopper to catch, tie him up! You do it.
Okay, I see what you're doing here.
Hands behind your back, Calzado.
Make me.
I -- look, she will shoot you! No I won't.
No she won't! C'mon Cyril, go all rogue on him! Guys c'mon, this is ridicul -- ungh! I think I'm gonna be -- ungh! Yeah, I'm gonna be sick Here, maybe this'll help Aaagh! My eyes! Probably shouldn't have done that.
Not enough left to get drunk on.
Bastardo! I kill you! Lanaaaa! What the hell damn guy.
Oh thank you thank you thank you You're welcome, Cyril.
So, did you learn any valuable lessons today? Yes, I did.
Me too.
I learned I don't like being bait.
Owww! Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt? Cyril.
Cyril.
Cyriiillll! Yes it frickin hurt! Yeah, right? What?! Yes, obviously I heard what you said! I just can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh, is that a fact! Oh it is.
M-hm.
Yep.
So, uh How'd that go? Oh, fine.
He was just explaining to me why ISIS won't be receiving any reward for capturing Calzado.
[ What?!] Because apparently there's no proof that we did.
We literally handed Calzado to them! And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner? No, they -- oh.
Oh, shit.
Mm.
So, well done.
Because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence that I've come to expect at ISIS.
No no no no nooo! What the -- Oh, I wish I was still blind.
You'll never take me aliiiive! What was I saying? Oh yes, unparalleled Paaaam! For the love of God, seal the exits! Professional That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it.
Because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground.
Excellence.
Oh hey, speaking of excellent, did you hear we met a tiger?! But he got murdered.

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