El Secuestro/Transcript

PAM: So then he's all like "Ya gotta go before my roommate gets home" and I'm like "Who cares?" and he's like CHERYL/CAROL: You're a moped. How do you know? What's it mean anyway? Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one. PAM: Ohhh CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah. PAM: I thought he meant I was fuel-efficient. I only had ten beers. CHERYL/CAROL: Fourties? PAM: No! Yes. Hence the shandy. My head feels like a bunch of monkies fighting over a bucket of marbles. Stick that horn in your ass! Nutsack. MALORY: And what time is it? CYRIL: Well it's 9:01, but MALORY: And what time is late? CYRIL: Technically 9:01, also, but I'm sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time. MALORY: Oh right, like the time her ocelot was sick! Or yesterday, when she said she had to walk to work because there was a midget on the train! CYRIL: I think she said it was a dwarf MALORY: And I said that was her last chance! She's fired. I want her desk cleaned out and a new secretary by lunch. CYRIL: That's kinda more Pam's department MALORY: Who is also late! And I just can't wait to hear that lame excuse KIDNAPPER 3: Just get her in the damn van! KIDNAPPER 2: She's crazy frickin strong! CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah! You fight 'em off, Cheryl! PAM: Wh-? ! Cheryl?! CHERYL/CAROL: Yes! That's you! You're Cheryl! PAM: What? ! What're you KIDNAPPER 1: Aaaghh! I swear to God I'm blind! KIDNAPPER 3: C'mon, the boss is waiting! We don't need her! CHERYL/CAROL: Because I'm just her stupid friend! She's who you want! PAM: Cheryyyyl! CHERYL/CAROL: Yes, just keep shouting your own name! PAM: What're you CHERYL/CAROL: I'll pray for you, Cheryl! PAM: Goddammit, I'm not CHERYL/CAROL: Whew! Well that was a close one. Ugh. And thank Pam. Way to drag out a kidnapping. Now I'm late again. Although this is a way better excuse than the train-dwarf. Which ick. MALORY: Kidnapped. CHERYL/CAROL: Like a huge, sweatery Lindbergh baby. So it's really Pam's fault I'm late. MALORY: Why would anyone ARCHER: In the world MALORY: want to kidnap Pam? CHERYL/CAROL: There's a teeny-tiny chance they maybe might've thought Pam was me? LANA: How? CHERYL/CAROL: No idea. MALORY: Well, even if you weren't lying CHERYL/CAROL: The train-dwarf was real and he looked right at me with his dwarfy eyeballs! MALORY: Why would anyone want to kidnap you? CHERYL/CAROL: Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt. ARCHER: Tum again? Oh c'mon, nothing? MALORY: Not the Tunts. LANA: Wait, how do I know that name? CHERYL/CAROL: Ever been on a railroad? ARCHER: Yes. LANA: Ho-lee shit! ARCHER: Not a big deal, they're everywhere. LANA: Yeah, and her great-grandfather built 'em all! ARCHER: Wait, what? MALORY: Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt? CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah all, whatever, five Cornelia. MALORY And George Washington Tunt, CHERYL/CAROL: The Tuntmore House. Yes. I spent like, every summer there, listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome. MALORY: Prove it. ARCHER: What's to prove, it's free labor. MALORY: Not that! Ass! Prove you're really a Tunt. CHERYL/CAROL Umm, I have a picture MALORY: You're kidding. ARCHER: Oh my god! That's you! CHERYL/CAROL: Yes, it's me. Do you guys I'm kinda freaking out, you mind if I glue up? MALORY: It's your house. ARCHER: This is your house! LANA: And right next door, is that that's the Roosevelt mansion! CHERYL/CAROL Total shitbox, they're weird. - What the? - What the hell was that? Ugh, my stupid ocelot. ARCHER: I've never seen an ocelot! MALORY: Cheryl dear I don't know quite how to put this, but ARCHER: Holy shit! You guys! Look at his little spots. MALORY: How much are you, ahem, worth? CHERYL/CAROL: Well until Monday it was liiike, I dunno, about fifty million? LANA: Do what huh what? ARCHER: Carol, what's his name? CHERYL/CAROL: Babou! - I love him. But it should be Buyer's Remorse! Stupid thing's sick all the time. MALORY: What happened Monday? CHERYL/CAROL: Oh. My parents were murdered. MALORY: What?! CHERYL/CAROL: I'm kidding! They are dead, though. The chauffeur had a stroke and slammed into a tree. Funeral's probably just wrapping up. MALORY: Why aren't you there?! CHERYL/CAROL: Because you said if I was late again you'd fire me! MALORY: Not for your parents' funeral! CHERYL/CAROL: Well! I don't know all your rules LANA: Can I jump in? Just kinda curious, why do you even work at ISIS? CHERYL/CAROL: Why do you? LANA: I because I'm not worth a billion dollars! CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother Cecil. MALORY: And how much will you be splitting? CHERYL/CAROL: It actually is a billion dollars. LANA: I am literally wet with jealousy. CHERYL/CAROL: Jealous of what? Being scared of kidnappers the rest of my life?! It was bad enough when I was only worth fifty million! Now it's gonna be ten times worse and And oh my God, I'm such a chicken! I told them Pam was me! LANA: Wow. MALORY: Lana shut up. First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine PAM: Who taught ya how to punch? Yer husband? You better just [BLEEP] kill me. MALORY: And second of all, no one is going to kidnap you on my watch. You may consider ISIS your personal bodyguard. For, you know a modest retainer. LANA: Ah. MALORY: Still shut up. CHERYL/CAROL: But oh my God, what about Pam?! ARCHER: I dunno about Pam And I know even less about ocelots. But my gut tells me you gotta get some tree branches or a tire swing or something in there, because he is desperate for stuff to play with. What're we doing? MALORY: We're taking Cheryl back to ISIS and locking it down until we catch those dastardly kidnappers. Because we're all she has now. ARCHER: Okay, but on the way we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something. It's like Meow-schwitz in there. POPEYE: Hm-hmm. CYRIL: Half a billion?! With a B?! LANA: Followed by an illion. CYRIL: Well that little she owes me thirtyseven hundred dollars! LANA: For what? CYRIL: What, nothing, what're we doing? LANA: Locking down ISIS. Because once the kidnappers realize they've got the wrong idiot, they'll probably come back for the right one. So here. All hands on deck. Cool. Safety's off, Barn. Trust me, dear. This vault is the safest place in the entire building. CHERYL/CAROL: But wait how much are you gonna charge for ISIS to protect me? MALORY: Well that's based on my expenses. Plus an administrative fee, a small contingency fee, few odds and ends CHERYL/CAROL: And you're gonna get Pam back, right? MALORY: Right after you sign that contract. CHERYL/CAROL: Okaaaaayno. First get Pam back. MALORY: Wh-? But CHERYL/CAROL: And bring me some stuff to do, it's crazy stupid boring in here. ARCHER: Well, now you know how Babou feels. CHERYL/CAROL: Crepuscular? BRETT: God! Damn it, Cyril! CYRIL: Sorry! CYRIL: Aw, c'mon LANA: Barney. MALORY: Well now this is just a disaster. BRETT: Yeah ya think?! MALORY: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile! Cheryl is insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam! LANA: Weren't you gonna do that anyway? MALORY: If it came up! And will somebody answer the damn phone once in their life?! ARCHER: Lookin your way, Brett. BRETT: Hello? ARCHER: Was that so hard? BRETT: Yes? Yeah, one sec? Kidnappers. LANA: Wh-? Keep 'em on the line! ARCHER: I'm lead negotiator! LANA: No you're not! MALORY: And you. Take Cheryl some crayons, or cheese or something. BRETT: Unghh I'm s-so c-coold GILLETTE: Brett get off the phone! BRETT: You got it? ARCHER: Yes! Hang up! How long do I need to keep him on? GILLETTE: Two minutes. LANA: What?! ARCHER: What happened to thirty seconds?! GILLETTE: Your mother's budget priorities! MALORY: No, this is all one solid piece. Brazilian rosewood, straight from the heart of the Amazon jungle. Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down. Hint, six. ARCHER: Small price to pay for beauty. Hi, Sterling Archer, lead negotiator. And to whom might I be speaking? KIDNAPPER BOSS: Your worst nightmare. ARCHER: Hi great, one sec? LANA: What are you doing?! ARCHER: I'll tell ya what I'm not doing, is negotiating with a goddamn cyborg! LANA: That's just a voice modulator! ARCHER: You don't think cyborgs have that technology?! I'm hanging up! LANA: Hanging up?! ARCHER: Lana, it's not worth it, it's just Pam! No, Archer, stop. They're probably tracing us. We don't want them coming here. You idiots. - This is Cheryl Tunt! - That's what I've been trying to tell you between this little girl's love taps. Seriously, maybe see if your daddy will give you a roll of nickels? KIDNAPPER: First of all, how are you still conscious?! PAM: How do ya think I paid for college? PAM: Two sixty, two-eighty, and jackson makes three. And sorry about your homey. Homeys. KIDNAPPER BOSS: And second, where is Cheryl Tunt?! PAM: Well I just assume she's safe at ISIS, laughing her skinny lying ass off because she got me kidnapped. CYRIL: This isn't funny Cheryl, I need that thirty-seven hundred dollars back! CHERYL/CAROL: Well, sorry. That money's gone. CYRIL: Wh-? What do you mean it's gone? CHERYL/CAROL: It's been an extremely volatile year. CYRIL: In the stock market? CHERYL/CAROL: Sure. CYRIL: Well, whatever, I borrowed it from my IRA and if I don't pay it back CHERYL/CAROL: What're they gonna do, kneecap you?! CYRIL: Wh-? Not the IRA, my IRA! And there are huge tax implications for that! CHERYL/CAROL: I don't have it, dum-dum! All my money's in like, a trust or whatever, and I'd have to ask my gross brother! CYRIL: So?! CHERYL/CAROL: So he's gross. CYRIL: Cheryl I need that money. CHERYL/CAROL: I don't have it! Now screw already. I've got kidnappers to worry about. CYRIL: But LANA: Okay, here we go This is Agent Lana Kane. And you are? KIDNAPPER BOSS: About five seconds away from shooting your friend Pam in her rock-like face. LANA: Well, we obviously don't want you to ARCHER: Violate the First Law of Robotics. LANA: Shoot Pam, so what will it take for you to release her unharmed? KIDNAPPER BOSS: I'll trade you. For Cheryl Tunt. ARCHER: Tum again? Still nothing? MALORY: Nooo no no no no First of all, we don't even know if Pam is still alive PAM: Yeah, I'm right here with the guy! MALORY: And even if she were PAM: I am! MALORY: That's a no-brainer! I mean my God, Cheryl's worth half a billion. PAM: What?! KIDNAPPER BOSS: Well?! How much is this one worth?! PAM: Oh, for seriously? MALORY: I'm thinking! KIDNAPPER BOSS: You're stalling! So you can trace the call! GILLETTE: No you've got tons of time. MALORY: Oh shut up. KIDNAPPER BOSS: Hey! What's it gonna be? - Malory! - Alright, I can do PAM: What?! KIDNAPPER BOSS: Okay, we're done here. PAM: No no wait wait wait, don't hang LANA: Five thousand? MALORY: For Pam? GILLETTE: I bet you spent ten tis that on your new conference table! MALORY: I did not! Unless you include the funeral expenses for those pygmies. And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all into one medium-sized hole. GILLETTE: Well I was able to trace the call to a one-block radius, so if you will excuse me, I am going to rescue Pam. ARCHER: No, I will do that. LANA: No, I will. GILLETTE: God damn it! Let's just everybody go! MALORY: No! There's half a billion dollars worth of Tunt sitting in that vault! That's the critical mission here! LANA: So who gets it? MALORY: No heroics, you two. It's just Pam. PAM: I mean, I know it's hard to put a dollar value on a human life, but for shit's sake five grand? KIDNAPPER BOSS: Yeah, so please don't take this the wrong way, but I am gonna kill you. PAM: Aw c'mon, I haven't seen your faces! KIDNBPPER BOSS: There. PAM: Damn. KIDNAPPER BOSS: Now shut up. KIDNAPPER 1: Hey so, I'm not totally on-board with a full-frontal assault on ISIS. KIDNAPPER 2: Yeah I'm actually totally off-board. - My eyes still hurt pretty bad. - Too bad. That's the only way we're gonna get to Cheryl Tunt. - I can get you guys in. - Um - Seriously? - Yeah, screw them. Especially Cheryl. Hope you kidnap a shit out of her. Huh! Where the hell is she? - You're gonna be in so much trouble - No Trouble is what the IRS will do to me if I don't pay back that loan. The IRS? Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there? MALORY: But she must still be in the building! All the blast doors are down! LANA: Yeah, so oh, dammit! Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage! MALORY: But they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open! Are they? ARCHER: Yes! GILLETTE: Why?! ARCHER: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off! GILLETTE: Is it working? ARCHER: Yes! So take it off! We look totally gay! GILLETTE: I am gay. ARCHER: Well I'm not! GILLETTE: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck? ARCHER: Take it off. GILLETTE: You better put that back in your purse. ARCHER: Hang on, this is far from over. Talk to me. Yeah, it's totally wide open. What? No, I'm not an idiot, Mother! We're still here, in the garage! Because Ray is being a total bitch! MALORY: Why do you care what he's wearing?! LANA: Oh my God MALORY: I'm not taking his side! LANA: Oh my God MALORY: Sterling, they've taken Cheryl! Probably right past you two while you were arguing over who's prettiest! ARCHER: They didn't come through here! Kidnappers got Cheryl. GILLETTE: Dukes! ARCHER: But wait, they've still gotta be in the building, right? MALORY: Probably! So secure the perimeter, do a floor-by-floor sweep, and Brett! For the love of God! BRETT: Hello? Yeah one sec? Kidnappers, line one. MALORY: That's them. Secure and sweep. Idiots. Lana, follow me. ARCHER: Roger that. I will definitely tell him. GILLETTE: Tell me what? ARCHER: She said for you take it off. GILLETTE: No she didn't! ARCHER: She absolutely certainly did Ray. And also for us to sweep the building. The doing of which I am in charge. KIDNAPPER BOSS: Hey, thanks for getting us inside. Somebody shoot her. PAM: Oh, okay! Then good luck getting past all the biometric scanners! I mean, unless you wanna chop off my fingertips and slice out my retinas! Oh don't be dicks. MALORY: What? CYRIL: I said, I'll kill the Tunt woman if you don't pay the ransom. MALORY: I can't understand a word of this. LANA: Hey, Trainspotting. Can you dial that modulator down a skoosh? CYRIL: Is that better? MALORY: Barely CYRIL: Hang on a second how about now. MALORY: That's better. Now I believe there was some mention of a ransom? CYRIL: Three thousand seven hundred dollars. MALORY: Wh-? LANA: Wait, how much?! A million dollars. Fifty million dollars. Why the hell are you down here?! CHERYL/CAROL: Because Cyril kidnapped me, duh! GILLETTE: Oh you are full of shit. CYRIL: You heard me. Fifty million dollars. Unmarked bills, uh, non-sequential LANA: Just keep him on the line. Something's very fishy about this kidnapper. CYRIL: Uh, let's see, what else MALORY: Tom Collins, try not to drown it. CYRIL: Obviously a dye pack is a dealbreaker KIDNAPPER BOSS: Jesus, would you hurry up? PAM: Hey! I'm not the one who smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack. PAM: There. Now cut this shit off so I can do the fingerprint reader. CYRIL: Let's see, what else? LANA: Ahhhhh ha!! Who ya talkin to? CYRIL: Nobody. Phone sex. LANA: Really. CYRIL: Yep! See? Oh yeah, you like that, don't you? MALORY: What?! CYRIL: Your Daddy's dirty, dirty little whore. MALORY: What?! CYRIL: Okay, I'm done masturbating. Goodbye. MALORY: What kind of sick, degenerate My God, he was calling from this floor! Lana! Lanaaa! LANA: Where is she? CYRIL: Who knows, probably some trailer park in Alabama. LANA: Not the phone sex operator you're totally lying about! Cheryl! ARCHER: She's right here! LANA: What? CYRIL: What? I mean "See?" GILLETTE: Yeah, little Miss Cry Wolf here handcuffed herself to a radiator. CHERYL/CAROL: What! ARCHER: Which, even for you, pretty pathetic. CHERYL/CAROL: I didn't kidnap myself! He did! CYRIL: Who me? No, I've been up here the whole time. Having some phone sex. Just, jerking it. On telephone Um, does the internet porn know you're cheating on it? - Very funny. - Thank you. Lana, Lana, the kidnapper! - He was calling from this floor. - Yeah. And where the hell was she? - Basement. - Kidnapped herself. - No, I didn't. - Oh, even for you - No, I didn't! is pathetic. - ***, she's crazy. - Yeah, crazy. Just jacking it. On telephone. *** ambushed, that's what I was doing. - Wait, hang on. - All the trouble you put us through. Were there even any kidnappers in the first place? - Wh-Yes! - Prove it! They're right there, duh! - That's not good. - Drop your weapons. Or she dies. Oh, for Seriously? They're not gonna shoot you, Pam. Their programming won't allow it. - What? - Don't ask. - What? - Plus if they do, I'll shoot Carol. CHERYL/CAROL: What?! LANA: What the shit?! ARCHER: Relax! They can't risk killing Carol! CYRIL: Although that would actually be a win-win for me GILLETTE: Shut up. And here, just in case. - Oh, cool LANA: No no, don't give him a ARCHER: Shut up! That vest is bulletproof! CHERYL/CAROL: Oww!! ARCHER: But it is, ya know, a vest. KIDNAPPER BOSS: Okay okay! Don't shoot! I give up! Totally give up. LANA: Keep those hands up. Pam? You okay? PAM: Do you people even give a shit?! EVERYBODY: Whoa! PAM: Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked outta me all day, and nobody even tries to rescue me GILLETTE: Archer's fault. ARCHER: Shut up. PAM: You shut up! Mr. Pam's Not Worth It! And then you stupid a-holes shoot a jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me! MALORY: Not me! I wasn't shooting! PAM: And you! The worst of the bunch. MALORY: Me? ! Why me?! PAM: Five thousand measly dollars. MALORY: I, you know, maybe I low-balled him at first, but I had some wiggle room! PAM: Yeah? Well, let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whippin five thousand bucks' worth of yer ass. MALORY: What?! LANA: Hey, whoa! Pam! ARCHER: Lana. Let her have this one. MALORY: Sterling! Somebody? Anybody?! PAM: Yeah, anybody? Wanna piece of this? Nope.