Heart of Archness: Part I

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"Heart of Archness: Part I" is the first episode of the third season of Archer. On FX, it was billed as part of the "3-Week Special Edition."

Plot

Archer has been missing for three months. Ever since the death of his fiancée, Katya Kazanova, at the hands of Barry Dylan, he has been grieving in his own way, which apparently means tending a bar and sleeping with newlyweds on a fictional island in French Polynesia. Malory sends Rip Riley (voiced by Patrick Warburton), a former ISIS agent, to find and retrieve Archer. Rip finds Archer with ease, but bringing him back to New York is more complicated when you add the antics of Archer and a crew of Pirates.

Trivia

• Title Explained: The title Heart of Archness is a reference to Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness", which describes a journey in search of a European trader who has gone mad and set himself up as a god-king to a group African natives.
• In Archer's profile, Popeye is listed as his known associate
• In the clip of Archer on the rooftop, a poster can be seen for "Disavowed", referencing back to episode "Movie Star"
• The episode number is hidden within this episode as the call numbers for Rip Riley's Seaplane.
• The nautical flags behind the Pirate King at the dinner scene spell out "katie sucks."
• Archer's "Omicron Spymaster" wristwatch is likely a reference to the Omega Seamaster wristwatch, featured in the James Bond film "GoldenEye". Not only are their names similar, but both function as spy gadgets, with Archer's having a garrote, knockout gas, and a laser (at least he's pretty sure) and Bonds' having a laser and remote detonator. 
• When sitting in the life raft with Rip Riley, Archer talks into the emergency beacon saying, "Thanks Guglielmo Marconi, who I think invented the radio. Over." Marconi is often credited as its inventor, despite Archer not using an actual radio.  

Quotes

Lana: "Malory, we've checked every safe house, run down every lead..."

Cyril: "And he hasn't touched any of his bank accounts. So, unless he... oh."

Lana: "Were you gonna say 'unless he's been skimming tons of cash from his operations accounts all these years?'"

Cyril: "Yeah, duh, right?"

Malory: "He wouldn't dare steal from me!"

Ray: "Oh, please, we all..... think he would dare to do that."

Pam: (Regarding Rip Riley)"What a hunk!"

Cheryl: "Total sploosh!"

Lana: "Actually, yeah. Gotta give him the sploosh."

Ray: "And whatever my equivalent of 'sploosh' is, which I guess is just 'sploosh.' Only with semen."

Woman: "Oh. My. God. I can't believe I just did that. You know, I'm not like that, I don't just--"

Archer: "Come on, don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt."

Woman: "How is it misplaced? I'm on my honeymoon!(sobs)"

Archer: "Well, at least you got a honeymoon. My fiancee was murdered."

Woman: "Wait, what?"

Archer: "Yeah. Oh, and you married an idiot."

Woman: "*gasp*"

Archer: "I mean, who plays thirty-six holes of golf on the first day of his honeymoon? Because not to...whatever, but that can't bode well for your marriage."

Woman: "Get the hell out, you piece of shit!"

Archer: "Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a pre-nup."

Riley: "I'm settin' the auto-pilot, but this better not be a ruse."

Archer: "(laughs) A ruse? *brrrring, brrrring!* Hello? (in Golden Age Radio voice) Hi, it's the 1930's! Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?"

Riley: "Let's go, kid."

Archer: "(still with the voice) Call ya back, 1930's! And hey, watch out for that Adolph Hitler, he's a bad egg!"

Lana: "And where does Malory get off, implying that we didn't do our best to find Archer?"

Ray: "No, she straight up said it. What she implied is that we're jealous of Archer, and that you hate yourself because you're still attracted to him."

Lana: "I...that's...what?"

Pam: "Oh, please! You're so hot for him, I could re-heat this chili in your cooch!"

Lana: "Don't you have some... humans to resource?!"

Pam: "Actually, no, most of my job's dealing with sexual harassment complaints against Mr. Archer, so... we gonna make some cooch chili or what?"

Bilbo: (upon seeing Riley's distress signal)"Oh, well that's just great! Now I get to deal with this, as my hot meatball sub congeals into a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit!"

ISIS SIGINT agent: ".....Nobody's gonna touch that?"

Archer: "Riley, no shit, I will shoot you."

Riley: "And then I'll shoot you, with a flare, and then I'll use a D ration bar and two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity."

Archer: "God damn, dude!"

Archer: "You were an ISIS agent?"

Riley: "Briefly, way back. But it didn't work out, because, y'know, your mother--"

Archer: "Was impossible to please, right?"

Riley: "God, if you only knew."

Archer: "What?"

Riley: "How much your mom LOVES you! You would at least have the heart to go tell her you're quittin' in person."

Archer: "Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare."

Ray: "I will start with the caviar and the '38 Montrachet, then do the Kobe Tartare with this... '42 Le Pan. And this chocolate terrine looks insaaaaannne. And then, I guess, just send me to fat camp and pray to God I don't eat all those fat, delicious chi'drens. 'Cause I will gobble'em up."

Riley: "You just killed, like, ten pirates."

Archer: "Wow, if the five-year-old me knew that, he would get a huge boner.... No idea why I said that."

Riley: "Good plan. Once they're good and drunk, we'll turn this tub around and head home."

Archer: "Home? Riley, I am home."

Riley: (Draws gun on Archer)"Over my dead body you're running away to be a pirate!"

Archer: "Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate!"

(The entire crew draw their guns on Riley.)

Archer: "I'm gonna be a pirate KING."

Gallery of Images

There are 17 screenshots and images from "Heart of Archness: Part I" on this Wiki, visit the category page for a complete gallery.