A TEASER FADE IN: CLOSE-UP: the ruggedly handsome, sweat-slick face of our hero, Sterling Archer. His cold steel-blue eyes smolder with hatred.
KGB COLONEL (O.S.) Sterling Archer, codename Duchess... [We hear a MATCH struck. Its flare plays across Archer's face, its light pulses as we hear a CIGAR being puffed. We are in: 1 INT. STONE DUNGEON -- CONTINUOUS Ancient stone walls weeping with moisture. Inky shadows, a faint and far-off scream. A sinister, uniformed KGB COLONEL, 50ish, savors both the aroma of his Cuban cigar and this moment.]
KGB COLONEL Known, from Berlin to Bangkok, as the world's most dangerous spy. So for us, this is... how you say?
REVEAL: Archer, sweaty and clad only in a tight pair of Daniel Craig-ian boxer-briefs, three puckered BULLET SCARS visible on his lean muscular chest, shackled by his wrists to the wall.
KGB COLONEL A "good get." (puffs cigar) But not so good for you, Mr. Archer. Because you heff information that I want. And is maybe old cliché, but... The colonel raises two JUMPER CABLE LEADS, sparks them together. KGB COLONEL We heff ways of making you talk. Archer cocks an eyebrow. We follow his gaze to a CART which holds a DRY CELL BATTERY, wired to the menacing JUMPER LEADS. ARCHER What, your little go-cart battery? KGB COLONEL Golf cart. ARCHER Whatever, and would you pick an accent and stick with it? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 2 The "colonel," who is actually CRENSHAW, an ISIS agent (with an American accent) waves a JUMPER CLAMP at Archer's face. CRENSHAW Listen here, you little -- MALORY (O.S.) Son of a bitch! ARCHER Oh, great -- CRENSHAW Now you did it. SHUNK, SHUNK! Several FLUORESCENT LIGHTS come on. We are in: 2 INT. DUNGEON/CONFERENCE ROOM -- CONTINUOUS The "dungeon" is an elaborate mock-up in an office building conference room. The MANHATTAN SKYLINE is visible outside, and one wall has a large TWO-WAY MIRROR, through which we see: MALORY ARCHER, director of ISIS. She's watching this from her adjoining office, glaring over her nth TOM COLLINS of the day. She is about 60 and impeccably styled, heels to hair; though still beautiful, she radiates an air of steel-clad hardassness. MALORY What is the point of these simulations -- ARCHER Crenshaw's arousal? MALORY -- if you don't take them seriously?! ARCHER How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-cart battery -- CRENSHAW Golf cart! ARCHER Shut up! And speaking of lame, my codename -- MALORY Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 3 ARCHER Random?! It was your dog's name! MALORY Ohh, Duchess... Malory picks up a FRAMED PHOTO from the table: a (surprisingly tasteful) B/W PHOTO of a slightly younger, NUDE Malory, posing amid silk sheets with her dear departed AFGHAN HOUND, Duchess. MALORY I loved her so much... ARCHER That it was creepy and pathetic? Malory lowers the photo, turns her icy glare back to Archer. MALORY And if you were half as smart as she was, I -- ARCHER She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate! Was she?! MALORY [gasps, then] Exercise terminated! ARCHER Okay, that's lunch then! MALORY Agent performance: unsatisfactory! SHUNK! The lights return to "dungeon" setting. ARCHER Oh, come -- at worst that was "Needs Improvement!" CRENSHAW Jesus, you think this is a game? ARCHER I think Jenga's a game, and -- CRENSHAW What if I'd been real KGB?! ARCHER I assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock... Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 4 This hits home. Crenshaw menaces Archer with a JUMPER CLAMP. CRENSHAW Well maybe, I never get promoted -- ARCHER And never will -- CRENSHAW -- because my mommy's not the boss! ARCHER And maybe, you just got your face kicked off! WHOOSH! Archer launches a deadly KARATE KICK, stops his foot mere inches away from Crenshaw's face, and HOLDS it there. ARCHER That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment! Graagh! ZZRRPT! Crenshaw SHOCKS Archer's foot with the JUMPER CLAMP. Archer's spasm breaks the shackles, he CRASHES out of frame. ARCHER Mother, did you see that?! 3 INT. MALORY'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS We are OTS on Malory. Through the TWO-WAY MIRROR, distant and out of focus, Crenshaw looms over the crumpled heap of Archer. What is in focus is the translucent reflection of Malory's face, taking this all in as she raises her Collins glass... ARCHER (O.S.) Mother? Mother! ... and grinning devilishly to camera, as we CUT TO: 4 MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE -- (:45) Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 5 ACT ONE 5 INT. ARCHER'S BEDROOM -- MORNING -- ONE WEEK LATER In this impossibly cool penthouse, a PHONE begins to ring. The camera moves through the huge, sunlit bedroom, past empty bottles of CHAMPAGNE, high HEELS, a BRA, a STEWARDESS UNIFORM. On the BED: a PUG licks FOIE GRAS from a silver plate, at the feet of a breathaking French STEWARDESS, asleep in the nude. Archer sleeps beside her, also nude, save for a thick BANDAGE wrapped around his foot. An ANSWERING MACHINE picks up. ARCHER (on machine) Leave a message at the tone. Tone. VOICE (on phone) Hello? This is Four-Five-Six Laundry. Your shirts are ready. For a week. ARCHER Ugh, no! STEWARDESS Mmmm, good morning. ARCHER Hey, you. STEWARDESS I am so hungry -- ARCHER You are famished. STEWARDESS -- mmmm. ARCHER Okay gimme five minutes on my backhand, then we'll see if there's -- (sees dog, yells) -- a dog dog dog dog! Is that a dog?! In my home?! The PUG, understandably upset by the shouts, starts to BARK. STEWARDESS Oui, that is Abelard! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 6 ARCHER Ohh adorable, now get the hell out of here! STEWARDESS [gasp] But you promised me breakfast! ARCHER You want breakfast, try the diner. You're obviously into Greek. (beat) Get it?! The dog BARKS. ARCHER Thank you, Abelard. 6 INT. ARCHER'S PENTHOUSE -- TERRACE -- A BIT LATER Archer, in shirt, tie, and shoulder holster, sits at a large breakfast-laden TABLE. His elderly, long-suffering English butler, WOODHOUSE, pours Archer's coffee with weary resignation. ARCHER It's a short list, Woodhouse. WOODHOUSE Yes, sir -- ARCHER The two things we don't allow in here. What are they? WOODHOUSE Dogs and your mother -- ARCHER Short list, isn't it? WOODHOUSE Yes, but -- ARCHER What. WOODHOUSE You were quite -- ARCHER What? What was I? WOODHOUSE -- insistent an exception be made. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 7 FLASHBACK: NIGHT BEFORE Archer, shitfaced and disheveled, one arm around Stewardess, the other hand holding the PUG, yells drunkenly at Woodhouse. ARCHER Because forget the dog rule, because this pug! Is amazing! Look, watch this! Abegard, go! (barks with dog) Roo roo, roof! Do you not hear that?! That's "Puttin' On The Ritz" man! BACK TO SCENE ARCHER I'm always insistent. WOODHOUSE Yes sir. ARCHER But I'm not to be trusted. WOODHOUSE No sir. ARCHER That's what I pay you for. WOODHOUSE About my last paycheck, sir -- ARCHER Stop! Stop. I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes. WOODHOUSE Very good, sir. ARCHER I also need you to go buy sand. WOODHOUSE Yes sir. ARCHER I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 8 7 EXT. FOUR-FIVE-SIX LAUNDRY -- ESTABLISHING -- LATER A nondescript storefront laundry, which takes up the ground floor of an equally nondescript Midtown office building. 8 INT. FOUR-FIVE-SIX LAUNDRY -- CONTINUOUS Archer, now in a sleek gray suit, barely breaks stride as he snatches a pressed SHIRT from RAJAN, the 50ish, Indian, kurtaclad laundry owner, and heads toward the tumbling DRYERS. RAJAN One entire whole week we have been calling you. Highly unprofessional. ARCHER Really? Because I find your sweatiness unprofessional.... Archer presses a BUTTON on a dryer. The whole machine, STILL TUMBLING, slides open like an elevator door. ARCHER So we have something else in common, besides the fact that now both of our shirts reek of curry. Archer enters the elevator as Rajan waves a LAUNDRY BILL. RAJAN And when will you settle your account? ARCHER When will you buy some dress shields? RAJAN This is not a dress! ARCHER That's not a dress! Are you serious?! The "door" closes. Rajan wipes his sweaty forehead, sighs. RAJAN But he is right, I perspire a great deal. Who would not, in such a place? The irons, especially, get very hot... A mischievous smile spreads across his face as we CUT TO: Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 9 9 INT. ELEVATOR -- CONTINUOUS In spite of its "secret dryer" entrance, the elevator is otherwise normal. Its SECURITY CAMERA looks down on Archer. He holds up his expensive, tailored SHIRT: it has a large, unmistakably iron-shaped SCORCH MARK right across the front. ARCHER Oh, that's... that's a burned shirt. 10 INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS The retro-mod ISIS office takes up an entire floor. Offices ring the central "bullpen," which is a sea of DESKS. Only a few have PEOPLE at them, typing on clunky, 1980's COMPUTERS. The ELEVATOR opens. Archer strides out toward camera. As he passes the desks' few occupants, their reactions show their opinions of him: glares from the women, fingers from the men. Archer FLINGS his ruined SHIRT in the FACE of one of them. ARCHER Here's a shirt, stupid. He stops. CUE sultry MUSIC as we CUT TO HIS POV, SLO-MO, of: LANA KANE: Archer's ex. She's about 30, with deep sloe eyes, an impossibly gorgeous mixed-race complexion, and an islandtinged British accent that would melt a framing hammer. She is BUTTONING up her BLOUSE as she walks out of the COPY ROOM. ARCHER Lana, hey...! LANA (chummy) Archer! Finally back to work? ARCHER Yeah, I -- LANA Great, yeah! Because go fuck yourself! Lana breezes off, as Archer yells after her perfect backside. ARCHER Oh rea -- after all that HR mediation? Really? All the hard work Pam did? FIGGIS (O.S.) Is that Archer? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 10 ARCHER God damn it! CYRIL FIGGIS – mid-30's, pasty, in a SWEATER VEST – emerges from the COPY ROOM tucking his SHIRT TAIL into his pants with one hand, and holding a thick MANILA FOLDER with the other. FIGGIS Archer, hey -- ARCHER No, Cyril. Go away. FIGGIS Listen, about your operations account -- ARCHER Not -- Cyril, not now -- FIGGIS Yes, now. You've got some serious -- (lowers voice) Discrepancies in your account. Now I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds for personal expenses... 11 RAPID-FIRE MONTAGE: ARCHER BLOWING MONEY Shots of Archer blowing money at casinos, upscale tailors, and high-end car dealers. On champagne, horses, hookers. We end on Archer in a casino at the ROULETTE TABLE, sweaty and tie askew, as the MARBLE dances and flirts right over 22 BLACK... ARCHER Come on twenty-two black, twenty-two -- And then drops into 18 RED. ARCHER Black! Ass! Son of a bitch! REVEAL: a huge, distinguished AFRICAN MAN in dashiki and kufi is standing there, holding a MARTINI and glaring at Archer. ARCHER My best friend is black! I should call him! He's a great guy. I love great black guys. BACK TO SCENE Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 11 ARCHER That is a very serious implication. FIGGIS Well so is embezzlement. ARCHER Oh! No, okay yeah, let's talk about the elephant in the room! FIGGIS That you're embezzling, or...? ARCHER That you! Are screwing my ex! FIGGIS Oh, for Chri -- ARCHER Huh?! FIGGIS Archer please, that's private! ARCHER What? Is that not common knowl -- (to the room) You all know about Cyril and Lana, right?! Of course! Because if Pam knows, everybody knows! Right, Pam?! In the doorway of her office, PAM, the chubby, mousy H.R. rep, is busted gawking at Archer's scene. She ducks her head back. ARCHER HR mediations are supposed to be confidential, Pam! You... manatee! (to Cyril) And as for you...! Good day, sir. Archer stalks off, leaving a confused Cyril to call after him. FIGGIS Hey wait! What about your acc -- (to himself) Oh, I get it. See what he did there, Cyril? Classic misdirection. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 12 12 EXT. MALORY'S OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER Outside the corner office, CHERYL - 26, very pretty - types on her computer while trying, unsuccessfully, not to cry. She looks up in surprise to see Archer standing at her tidy desk. ARCHER (O.S.) No, you're so ugly when you cry... CHERYL [gasps, then] Mr. Archer! ARCHER I'm fine, is she in, or out eating a baby? CHERYL You stood me up again last night! ARCHER Last--? Yeah, what happened was, did you see "Brian's Song?" Same thing, pretty much happened. I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm sorry, Carol. CHERYL [gasps, then] It's Cheryl. ARCHER I know, Ca -- Cheryl. So to make it up to you... CHERYL [cleansing breath, then] I'm ready. ARCHER Could you buzz me in. CHERYL Is that all you have to say?! ARCHER Yes? 13 INT. MALORY'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS Huge office. A wall of windows overlooks Midtown Manhattan, the retro furnishings are accented in a "rich world traveler" motif: African masks, Asian carvings, Persian... whatevers. Malory is on the PHONE at her desk. We're very glad the desk is there, as it appears she is pleasuring herself beneath it. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 13 MALORY Now tell me again, how... no, not that part, go back? Yes, the pepper. Oh yes God. Oh God! Oh God! Oh -- Her eyes flutter open and she sees, with us: Archer, in the open doorway, his mouth agape, his eyes like dinner plates. MALORY God! Damn it! (slams phone down) What the hell are you doing?! Archer, goggle-eyed and afraid of the answer, almost whispers: ARCHER What are you doing? MALORY I -- I'm -- (retakes control) Wondering how you spent your vacation. Archer is at the credenza. He's mixed a very stiff COCKTAIL, and is currently pouring it down his throat with shaky hands. ARCHER Vacation?! MALORY Where did you go? Whore Island? ARCHER I -- that, no! That was sick leave. MALORY Vacation. ARCHER I was wounded in the line of duty! MALORY By a go-cart battery. ARCHER Golf cart! Maybe pay attention. Malory picks up a MANILA FOLDER, savoring what's coming... MALORY Oh, I do... ARCHER Do you? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 14 MALORY And I've just been paying very close attention to your operations account. ARCHER No! MALORY Yes. ARCHER No! MALORY Yes! ARCHER Not to worry! MALORY Mm hmm... ARCHER Mother, my account is square! MALORY It better be. You know what happens to agents I catch stealing... 14 MONTAGE: THREE QUICK HITS -- MANHATTAN -- NIGHT Three quick scenes - a car, a stoop, a sidewalk - and in each one, a different DRONE AGENT begs piteously for his life: DRONE AGENT No no, please! Noooo -- PHUT PHUT PHUT! Each man's cries are cut short by shots from a silenced PISTOL, wielded by a grim, trench-coated Crenshaw. 15 INT. MALORY'S OFFICE -- BACK TO PRESENT -- CONTINUOUS ARCHER (drinks, coughs liquor) Wow, that's strong. Yes I do. MALORY Well then let me give you some heartfelt, motherly advice... Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 15 ARCHER Motherly ad -- are you having a stroke? MALORY You wish. ARCHER Yeah but seriously: do you smell toast? MALORY I smell a rat! ARCHER So not toast -- MALORY And if your account isn't square by Monday, I'll close it permanently. Is that clear? ARCHER Are you -- you're looking for the answer "Yes"? MALORY Yes. ARCHER Then yes. MALORY Good. Then get out. And for God's sake, take a shower. Smells like a whorehouse in here. ARCHER Okay, your own fingers. MALORY Hm? ARCHER Nothing! Ahem. Johnny Bench called. END ACT ONE Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 16 ACT TWO 16 EXT. MAINFRAME DOOR -- LATER We are MID-SHOT on Archer, who addresses camera: determined. ARCHER So here's the thing: I need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. (raises gun) Your call. No? Hard it is, then! Archer points his GUN at camera, and... PHUT PHUT PHUT PHUT! just about empties his entire clip. During which we reveal that he is actually shooting at THE BULLETPROOF MAINFRAME DOOR. Bullets go ricocheting off in every direction, and we hear: DRONE AGENT (O.S.) Agh! Jesus Christ, Archer! Archer stops firing, looks off-screen, almost embarrassed. ARCHER Ooh, sorry! I forgot that the -- did I get you? DRONE AGENT (O.S.) What the is wrong with you?! ARCHER Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand... have a bullet inside you! CRENSHAW (O.S.) I see the foot's all better... Archer turns to find Crenshaw, gloating over his coffee mug. ARCHER And I see you're still a hatchetfaced prick. So... CRENSHAW Mmm. Do you see that sign? ARCHER Uh, do you see that sign? REVEAL: a SIGN reading "NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THIS AREA" Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 17 CRENSHAW Well -- SMACK! Archer SMACKS Crenshaw's COFFEE out of his hands. ARCHER That's why. So we don't get ants. As Crenshaw puzzles this, Archer shoots his cuffs and exits. 17 INT. PAM'S OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER Chubby, mousy PAM sits behind her tchotchke-covered desk with a DOLPHIN PUPPET on her hand, addressing BRIEGER, the spooky, fierce-eyed scientist in charge of the ISIS "gadget lab." PAM Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator, that's a bond of trust. And if you violate that trust, or the food, there's -- ARCHER (O.S.) There's my favorite section head! Archer is in the door, with a box of DONUTS. Pam glares. PAM I am dealing with the break room problem! ARCHER Oh, you caught the... wait, I had something for this. "Pita Predator!" PAM Ya know what--? ARCHER Sorry yeah, let's just call it what it is: "Food Rapist." Brieger glares at Archer, who smiles chummily at Pam. ARCHER And Pam, if you want some food that's supposed to be cream-filled, I offer these delicious donuts! PAM Yeah? ARCHER In exchange for a favor -- Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 18 PAM A favor?! ARCHER Yeah. PAM After how you treated me?! 18 FLASHBACK: PAM'S OFFICE -- H.R. MEDIATION SESSION Lana tries to pull Archer off a screaming Pam, as he clutches her throat and BASHES her in the head with the DOLPHIN PUPPET. ARCHER Well fuck your dolphin, Pam! Fuck your fucking dolphin! And fuck you! LANA Archer! Get off her, you -- Archer! [and also various struggling sounds] BACK TO SCENE PAM I had to get three stitches! ARCHER And I broke my watch. And I'm sorry for that. PAM Three! ARCHER But I need your help, Pam. Because I... am... conducting a mole hunt. PAM [gasps] ARCHER Gasp you should. Because if you let me in the mainframe, I'll drop these donuts! Then you can pretend they're marbles, and you're a hungry, hungry... Pam gasps and... SLAM! Slams her door in Archer's face. ARCHER Hungry hippo. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 19 19 INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- BULLPEN -- MOMENTS LATER Archer, still holding the DONUT BOX, heads past the desks. Coming at him from the other direction, and glaring, is Lana. ARCHER Lana! Hey look, I dunno if you're mad at me, or just my ivory-smooth b -- KROOMP! Without breaking stride, Lana smacks the DONUT BOX out of Archer's hands, sending donuts flying everywhere. ARCHER (yells after her) Oh, is that what you want?! Ants?! Because that's how you get ants! 20 INT. CYRIL'S OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER Archer leans into Cyril's doorway, all shit-eating grins. ARCHER There's my favorite section head! FIGGIS What do you want? ARCHER To apologize, Cyril. For my behavior. FIGGIS Oh, well -- ARCHER And also to what are you doing? REVEAL: Cyril is prepping a STIR-FRY: he's got a cutting board, CLEAVER, loads of VEGETABLES in various stages of chopped-ness. FIGGIS Oh! Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday. ARCHER Neat, listen -- FIGGIS Guess what we call it! ARCHER (bored: it's obvious) Stir Friday. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 20 FIGGIS Wow. ARCHER Yeah. FIGGIS That's actually better. ARCHER All yours! So let me in the mainframe. FIGGIS Is this about your operations account? ARCHER No! I -- Cyril! FIGGIS Yeah? ARCHER I'm on a top-secret mole hunt. FIGGIS Oh yeah, Pam mentioned that. ARCHER Wh--? When? FIGGIS Well, she called a minute ago -- ARCHER Great -- FIGGIS -- you know how Pam loves to gossip. ARCHER Yeah, and eat rug-marbles, I know, so... come let me in the mainframe. FIGGIS (picks up phone) Okay, but I need to confirm this with your mother... ARCHER No! No. What if she's the mole? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 21 FIGGIS Right. ARCHER Think about it. FIGGIS Your own mother. ARCHER Think what that would do to me. FIGGIS Archer... ARCHER If we had to kill her. FIGGIS Archer... ARCHER By stabbing her wrinkly neck. FIGGIS Yeah. I can't let you in there. ARCHER Can't? Or won't. FIGGIS Either? ARCHER And after I gave you "Stir Friday." FIGGIS Yeah, that is much better. But if you want to access the mainframe, I guess you'd have to break in. CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC as we PUSH IN to Archer's scheming face. ARCHER Break into the ISIS mainframe...! CUT DRAMATIC MUSIC as we CUT BACK TO Cyril chopping veggies. FIGGIS Which is obviously ludicrous. (holds up baby corn) As is this baby corn. Archer? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 22 REVEAL: Cyril's office is utterly devoid of Archer. FIGGIS Archer?! ARCHER Cyril, I'm busy. 21 MONTAGE: THE PLAN A Michael Bay-worthy helicopter shot of the ISIS headquarters, the night skyline of Manhattan illuminated in the background. ARCHER (V.O.) ISIS Headquarters. Makes Fort Knox look like a gingerbread house. Only two means of ingress. The first, at street level, impenetrable after six... IN THE LAUNDRY: the CLOCK on the wall reads 6:00. We RACK ZOOM OUT (through the window) to the sidewalk, where Rajan releases the ROLL-UP DOOR, which crashes down with a CRASH. ARCHER (V.O.) The second, through an access door on the roof, inexplicably unprotected... ON THE ROOF: an access DOOR sags open. We RACK ZOOM OUT to the opposite ROOF: Archer, in black, peers through the SCOPE of a GRAPPLING HOOK GUN, and... SHOONK! Fires the steel hook. ARCHER (V.O.) But even if you zip-lined across, breached the access door, and somehow made it into ISIS headquarters... QUICK SHOTS: Archer EASILY zip-lines across. Simply OPENS the access door. SLIDES down the stairwell banister. Enters the BULLPEN. Turns on a ceiling full of FLUORESCENT LIGHTS. ARCHER (V.O.) You'd still have to find the mainframe. IN THE BULLPEN: Archer yawns boredly and looks at the door. ARCHER (V.O.) But wait, it gets worse... 22 INT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- CONTINUOUS A wide shot of the (actually very mundane) mainframe room. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 23 ARCHER (V.O.) Inside, there are three countermeasure systems. The first is pressuresensitive, in the floor. Even a mouse triggers it... We see a MOUSE, on the floor, proudly holding a TORTILLA CHIP. ARCHER (V.O.) The second is sound-sensitive. Anything above a whisper sets it off... The mouse CRUNCHES the TORTILLA CHIP, then looks to camera. ARCHER (V.O.) And the third system is state-of-theart voice activation. 23 EXT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Cyril, holding a TAKE-OUT BAG (from WRAPSODY IN BLUE), speaks into an INTERCOM on the wall next to the ISIS mainframe DOOR. FIGGIS (overly enunciated) Cyril. Figgis. 24 INT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- CONTINUOUS SHOONK! The lights go ON. The door OPENS. The mouse SCRAMS. 25 INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT -- NOON -- SAME DAY Swanky joint. Archer holds a GLASS of wine, the remnants of a large, sumptuous MEAL (and FOIL SWAN) on the table before him. ARCHER So obviously, it'd be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight. Somehow. REVEAL: Cheryl sits opposite him, with only a GLASS OF WATER. CHERYL Oooh... ARCHER Yeah. CHERYL That would make me... uncomfortable. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 24 ARCHER God everything makes you uncomfortable! QUICK FLASHBACKS: 1) Archer and Cheryl in bed. He is "spooned" behind her. ARCHER Just the tip? 2) Archer and Cheryl on the rug in front of his fireplace, a silk sheet across their nudities. He is "spooned" behind her. ARCHER Just the tip. 3) Archer and Cheryl on his sofa. She struggles to "give him the Heisman" as he shoves an ICE CREAM CONE at her mouth. ARCHER Just the tip! BACK TO SCENE ARCHER How was I supposed to know you're lactose-intolerant? CHERYL Because I kept screaming it! ARCHER Well...! CHERYL And this! I'm a secretary, I don't have access to.. security whatevers. ARCHER Then get them from Cyril! CHERYL How would I do that? ARCHER Seduce him! Or Pam! Or both! CHERYL I can't do that! ARCHER Can't? Or won't. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 25 CHERYL Either! ARCHER That's how you wanna play it? Fine! Archer stands, snatches up his FOIL SWAN, starts to leave. CHERYL Are... you gonna pay for your lunch? ARCHER Just the tip. (checks pocket) Oh. I actually don't have any cash. He straightens his TIE, waits. Cheryl SIGHS, gets her PURSE. ARCHER Can you... get it? Sorry. I also need cab fare. CHERYL [huge, put-upon sigh] ARCHER Awww, ugly duckling... Archer BOINKS her NOSE with the SWAN. ARCHER Bawk bawk! END ACT TWO Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 26 ACT THREE 26 EXT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- NIGHT That same Michael Bay-esque shot of the ISIS headquarters, the night skyline of Manhattan illuminated in the background. ARCHER (O.S.) So thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters, in a nine hundred dollar turtleneck. 27 EXT. OPPOSITE ROOFTOP -- CONTINUOUS Archer, in all black, aims his large GRAPPLING HOOK GUN. ARCHER And if it gets ruined? I'll make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol! SHOONK! He FIRES the hook. As it THUNKS home, we CUT TO: 28 EXT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Archer is at the door, a black DUFFEL BAG over his shoulder. ARCHER Wow, that was actually pretty easy. Thanks, new turtleneck -- RRRIIP! He shrugs off the DUFFEL BAG, which rips his sleeve. ARCHER Oh for -- and thank you, duffel bag! Jesus, what else could go wrong...? 29 INT. FOUR-FIVE-SIX LAUNDRY -- CONTINUOUS -- JUMP CUTS The DRYER-ELEVATOR doors close on Crenshaw, who has a GUN. On the wall, an ALARM SYSTEM auto-dials Lana's phone number... 30 INT. LANA'S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS Lana sits at the dining room TABLE, lovingly set for two. LANA (calling off-screen) Because if you have wingtips on, you're not technically naked. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 27 FIGGIS (O.S.) But -- LANA And plus because I said so, which is why I'm kinda confused we're still even discussing this. Lana's PHONE rings. She pulls it up, answers it. LANA Agent Kane. (listens) What?! Yes, confirmed! She turns to Cyril as he enters, in a TOQUE and APRON, proudly bearing aloft two plates of his lovingly prepared STIR-FRY. FIGGIS Confirmed a naughty Nelly's breaking our after-work phone rules... LANA Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS! FIGGIS Wh-?! You think it's the mole?! LANA God, you and Pam! All you two need are some hair dryers to sit under. FIGGIS Pam's alright... LANA Now look, I've got to go -- FIGGIS But it's "Stir Friday!" LANA So much better. But if I'm not here... FIGGIS Ah. 31 INT. CAR -- MOMENTS LATER As Cyril speeds through the (curiously repetitive) streets of Manhattan, Lana screws a SILENCER onto a wicked MACHINE PISTOL. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 28 FIGGIS Because after three months of -- whatever it is we're doing, I just think it's a little weird you can't leave me alone in your apartment. LANA I know I have trust issues! But it's Archer's fault I'm like this! FIGGIS And here we go... LANA All those years of his lying, and cheating, and -- FIGGIS It's fine. Please. LANA Not to mention how messed up he is about his mother! You know he called out her name once, while we were f-- FIGGIS Fiiiine!! SCREEECH! Cyril locks up the brakes, tires smoking. We are: 32 EXT. FOUR-FIVE-SIX LAUNDRY -- CONTINUOUS FIGGIS And here we are. All fine. LANA Cyril, please don't be -- BRRRRRRRT! Cyril's PHONE rings. He finds it, raises it. FIGGIS Oop! Now who's a naughty Nelly? (into phone) Yes, hello? ARCHER (O.S.) Hi, who's this? FIGGIS (overly enunciated) Cyril. Figgis. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 29 33 EXT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Archer stands at the mainframe INTERCOM, holding his PHONE. ARCHER I'm sorry, did you say Faggis? FIGGIS (on phone) No, Figgis. 34 INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS ARCHER (O.S.) What is it? LANA Who is it? Better not be Pam... FIGGIS Figgis. I was very clear. BOOP! Archer hangs up and raises the PHONE to the INTERCOM. ARCHER Hi! I love cock, and my name is -- FIGGIS (recorded) Cyril. Figgis. 35 INT. ISIS MAINFRAME ROOM -- CONTINUOUS SHOONK! The lights go ON. The door OPENS. The mouse SCRAMS. ARCHER Holy shit, our security is atrocious. AT THE DESK A CLOSE-UP of Archer's HAND turning on the green monochrome MONITOR. The ISIS logo appears, above a box for a PASSWORD. Archer, now in the chair, peers at the MONITOR, starts typing. ARCHER Password. And the password is... (types something in) "Guest." BOOONG! "Access Granted" appears in large letters onscreen. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 30 ARCHER No, it's not -- Jesus Christ. That is just... Babytown Frolics. (typing) Okay, operations account. Just how deep in the red am I out of my mind?! (gapes at screen) How?! Do I spend that much money?! 36 FLASHBACK: ARCHER'S PENTHOUSE -- DAY Archer admires his new turtleneck in the mirror as Woodhouse stands behind him, holding a stack of folded identical ones. ARCHER Yeah I know it's sexy, Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color. WOODHOUSE These are... all black. ARCHER Oh, are they? Or are five dark black, and five in a slightly darker black? BACK TO SCENE ARCHER And now I'm short a... (looks at sleeve) Slightly darker black one. (typing, searching) Sooo, let's just put all my expenses into... some pathetic idiot's account, by the name of... oh! Crenshaw! Suddenly Crenshaw appears in the doorway with his wicked LUGER. CRENSHAW (O.S.) Ohhh... ARCHER [startled yelp] CRENSHAW Now that's not very nice... Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 31 ARCHER How -- hey! Just talking about you. CRENSHAW Oh. ARCHER And about how this isn't what it looks like. CRENSHAW Lot of that going around. ARCHER Yeah, it's an epidemic. CRENSHAW For example, my real name is Kremensky. ARCHER Is -- that sounds -- is that Jewish? CRENSHAW It's Russian. ARCHER Oh! Russian Jewish? CRENSHAW I'm the mole, idiot! ARCHER Wh--? I made up the mole! CRENSHAW Yes, but you told Pam! Who of course blabbed it all over the office -- ARCHER God, do we hate Pam? CRENSHAW -- and now everyone is looking for a real mole, so I have to escape. ARCHER And irony. CRENSHAW But thanks for breaking into the mainframe for me -- Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 32 ARCHER Oh, double irony. CRENSHAW Because I'll need fifty thousand for travel expenses. From your account. ARCHER Fifty thousand?! That's... too much. CRENSHAW It's last minute bookings. For two. ARCHER Oh. 37 INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- BULLPEN -- MOMENTS LATER Crenshaw frog-marches Archer to the elevator, GUN at his back. CRENSHAW Because when I hand the notorious Duchess to the KGB, I won't just get a promotion. I'll get my own dacha. ARCHER Yeah, I hear those are nice. LANA (O.S.) Too bad you'll never see it. REVEAL: Lana has him covered with her wicked MACHINE-PISTOL. CRENSHAW Wh--?! Archer seizes on Crenshaw's distraction and CRUNCH! CRACKS his JAW with his ELBOW, KICKS him out of frame, draws his own GUN. CRENSHAW Grrk! Oof! ARCHER Lana! Crenshaw's a mole! And his name's not really Crenshaw, it's Kremensky! Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew, I don't know! (beat) Thoughts? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 33 LANA Yeah, shut up. (to Crenshaw) And you: drop it. CRENSHAW Or what? ARCHER No no, do not wind her up. That is a big gun, and she is baby-crazy. LANA [gasps, then] Baby-crazy?! ARCHER (to Crenshaw) That's why I dumped her. LANA You sack of shit! I dumped you, because you cheated on me! Archer and Lana get right up in each other's faces. ARCHER Yeah, after you went all baby-crazy! LANA Oh, that's -- ARCHER For the babies! Lana jams her MACHINE PISTOL right up under Archer's chin. LANA You wanna see crazy?! Archer jams his (much smaller) GUN right up under Lana's chin. ARCHER No, I've seen it! And spoiler alert! It ends with a closet full of my suits on fire! LANA I wish you'd been wearing one! ARCHER Who would wanna wear an on-fire suit?! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 34 LANA Cosplay enthusiasts! Wait, no! Shit! ARCHER Do you even hear?! How totally batshit insane you sound?! LANA I'll tell you what I hear! BOONG. We hear the ELEVATOR close. They turn as it closes. LANA [deep "pre-rant" breath] ARCHER Yeah, please keep talking. 38 EXT. FOUR-FIVE-SIX LAUNDRY -- MOMENTS LATER Malory, straight from bed and hurriedly dressed, stands with Cyril on the sidewalk in front of the breached laundry door. MALORY So why are you sitting down here in the car, eating... stir-fry?! FIGGIS It's Stir-Friday. And Lana said to. Crenshaw lurches out of the laundry, shocked to see them. MALORY Crenshaw? CRENSHAW Ms. Archer?! MALORY What's this flap about a break-in?! CRENSHAW Uh -- Archer and Lana lurch out of the laundry, GUNS drawn. ARCHER Mother, look out! Crenshaw's a mole! MALORY Oh, Pam's as full of crap as she is of... carbohydrates. Now -- rrrk! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 35 Crenshaw grabs Malory from behind, puts his GUN to her head. CRENSHAW Not this time, you impossible bitch! Also, you should all be nicer to Pam. LANA I am always nice to her! FIGGIS To her face... LANA Why aren't you in the car? MALORY (being choked) Rrk! Will somebody... do something?! Archer GRABS Lana from behind, puts his GUN to her head. LANA ["just got grabbed" sort of noise] EVERYBODY Archer?! What're you doing?! Etc! LANA What're you doing, you idiot! ARCHER (low, to Lana) Shut up! It's classic misdirection. (to Crenshaw) Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky! CRENSHAW Wh--? How is this a Mexican standoff? ARCHER Ummm... CRENSHAW I don't care if you shoot her! ARCHER Oh. Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 36 LANA Idiot. FIGGIS I do! CRENSHAW (cocks pistol) But what if I shoot her, mama's boy? Archer cocks a mildly intrigued eyebrow at the prospect... MALORY (still being choked) Sterling...? Sterling! CRENSHAW Yes, picture her dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommie dearest... LANA Oh, for -- Jesus Christ! EVERYBODY What?! Huh? Etc. LANA He's got an erection! Malory, aghast and furious, rips away from Crenshaw's grasp. MALORY What?! CRENSHAW -- the hell is wrong with you peopl -- BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! Four quick shots rip into Crenshaw's chest, sending his body flying off-screen, away from Malory. EVERYBODY Gasp! Ack! What the--?! Etc! REVEAL: smoke wisps out of Archer's raised GUN. ARCHER (overly cool) Adios, amigo... ow! Ow! Hey! WHACK! WHACK! Malory starts bashing Archer with her PURSE. MALORY An erection?! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 37 ARCHER Ow! What is in there, buckles?! MALORY The thought of me dead gives you an erection?! ARCHER No, just half of one! The other half... would've really missed you. MALORY [sound of utter contempt] Malory turns on her heel and storms into the laundry, past Crenshaw's corpse, lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. ARCHER Johnny Bench called... 39 INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- BULLPEN -- MOMENTS LATER Archer and Lana glare at each other as Cyril reads a COMPUTER PRINT-OUT and Malory, very distractedly, sips a TOM COLLINS. FIGGIS Yeah, see here? Crenshaw just stole fifty thousand from Archer's account. Must've been doing it all along... ARCHER Apology accepted. Assdouche. FIGGIS Hey! LANA (raising her gun) Call him that again. ARCHER Make me! LANA What? ARCHER What? Mother, do you see this? MALORY I just don't understand... ARCHER Hostile work environment -- Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 38 MALORY I would've known if we had a mole. Archer, Lana and Cyril all cock suspicious eyebrows at this. LANA How? MALORY How what, dear? ARCHER How could you know if we had a mole? MALORY I... errr... As Malory tries to come up with some explanation, we CUT TO: 40 FLASHBACK: INT. KGB HEADQUARTERS -- EARLIER THAT MORNING The dreaded Lubyanka. This huge, high-ceilinged office has a view of Moscow's classic onion domes. Behind an acre-sized desk sits the burly, bearish MAJOR NIKOLAI JAKOV, 60, the gruff but loveable head of the KGB, who is currently on the PHONE. JAKOV And then I am takink a hot pepper -- MALORY (on phone) Yes, the pepper! Oh God! JAKOV -- and slowly rubbink it around your -- MALORY (on phone) God damn it! We hear a very loud CLICK, followed by a dial tone. JAKOV Hello? Mooshka? Jakov hangs up, and looks up to see his SERGEANT eyeing him. KGB SERGEANT Who was that? JAKOV Who are you? Comrade Questions? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 39 41 INT. MALORY'S OFFICE -- BACK TO PRESENT -- CONTINUOUS Malory retakes control of the situation with a good offense: MALORY And who are you? Comrade Questions? ARCHER Comr--? MALORY Oh, shut up. You and your erec -- and why are there donuts everywhere?! ARCHER Lana did that. LANA I -- MALORY Do you want ants?! Because that's how you get ants! Malory, back in control, gives them all a stern look, and we: SLAM TO CREDITS