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Stage Two/Transcript

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Cheryl: Ugh.A rainy day and a Monday Talk about a downer-double-whammy, huh? Do anything fun this weekend? [Malory ignores her] 'Cause I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and

Malory: [Interrupting] If I cared what you did on a weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. [Malory leaves]

Cheryl: On Saturday I watched a building burn down.

CYRIL: Morning, Ms.Archer! It took all weekend, but I finally got that payroll glitch sorted out.

MALORY: I said by five on Friday.

CYRIL: Yeah sorry, the computer was down, so over the weekend I had to punch all these cards by hand, and then carefully put them in order.

PAM: Careful It's pretty delicate.

LANA: Wow, and this is all marzipan? PAM: Yeah, except for the barn, that's just graham crackers and icing.

LANA: Well, your dad is gonna love it.

PAM: I hope so.I mean, it's probably not the best birthday present for a diabetic?

Malory: Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there!

Pam: Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?

What did I tell you on Friday?! PAM: I know, and I was gonna come in this weekend, but I had to finish this so I could get it in the mail today.

MALORY: Wrong answer. [pours coffee on Pam's model farm, Lana is shocked]

LANA: What the shit?! [Pam starts crying]Hey, hey now, c'mon honey,

PAM: It's just like when the farm flooded in real life! Only tiny and sweet!

MALORY: Idiots.

Surrounded by nothing but

LANA: What the hell is your problem?

MALORY: Finding your replacement, missy, if you don't watch your tone! LANA: My tone?! You watch your tone, you don't speak to me like I'm some MALORY: Some what?! Balloon-breasted bimbo?! Always prancing around here in those clingy little whatever the hell they are, mini-sweater-dresses and your double-D push-up bras, so that all anyone can see, for miles around, are your gigantic breasts! LANA: So you wanna tell me what's going on? MALORY: No, I want you to get out.

LANA: Malory? Hey.

MALORY: I'm sorry, dear.

I had a mammogram on Friday and they found something.

LANA: Oh my God MALORY: Yeah.

PAM: So that's why yer bein' such a bitch? - You both have to swear you won't breathe a word of this to anyone.

- Totally.

Yes.

Especially Sterling.

If he found out that I might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated.

So this information cannot leave this Pam, what the hell What? Nothing.

MALORY: You're texting about my PAM: I'm not, I swear! This is about CHERYL/CAROL: Breast cancer?! Oh, you poor thing! MALORY: Pam! What is wrong with you? PAM: I can't help it, it's like a disease.

MALORY: Pam! PAM: Do you not know what "disease" means? Oh sorry, I forgot you might have CYRIL: Breast cancer?! MALORY: Oh for the love! And would you get off?! Breath?! CYRIL: Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word!

[Malory has revealed she may have breast cancer]

Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory: [Sarcastically] Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Krieger: A What?! I don't have one of those! [Cut to a shot of Krieger killing 'Pigley']

KRIEGER: That'll do, Pigley That'll do.

KRIEGER: ... Anymore.what're we talking about?

MALORY: Nothing.

Because no one is to speak of this, ever, and especially not to Sterling! Good morning, dear! ARCHER: Good morning.

What's the big, non-me-telling secret? Is there one? At a spy agency? MALORY: There's no secret dear, we were just ARCHER: Mother.

Pardon me, sorry, one second.

Pam? MALORY: No, you don't Pam! ARCHER: Pam.

MALORY: Pam! ARCHER: Pam.

PAM: I'm okay I'm okay, I'm good! I'm good ARCHER: Pam.

PAM: Your mom's got breast cancer! ARCHER: She what? !? MALORY: Damn her piggy little eyes! KRIEGER: Aww, Pigley ARCHER: Mother?! Is this Do you? Ugh Oh, good God.

You'd think he was a half fainting goat.

Oh, Goatley.

Well, actually men can develop breast cancer although it's extremely rare.

Yeah.

And also hereditary.

So, thank you mother for that.

Oh, there's a good chance your mother's first mammogram was a false positive.

I'll know for sure after I get the results of her diagnostic exam, but I've got a good feeling about her.

And the feeling is mutual, doctor.

Hey, can you notright now There's several other risk factors for male breast cancer, such as any history of alcoholism.

- You know, I mean I drink socially, but - Hah! I didn't have breakfast.

Any unusual exposure to radiation Um Wait, seriously don't open it? - Yeah.

- Oh, I thought you were being sarcastic.

[talking Russian] Looking for this? Or perhaps the lead container I probably should've left it in? So wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's good cholesterol? ARCHER: Mmmnope.

SPELTS: Well, then a little dose won't hurt.

REDHEAD NURSE: Doctor, I have Ms.

Archer's results Well if it isn't Chet Manley! ARCHER: Yeah, and is it I wanna say Peggy? REDHEAD NURSE: Rita! And you said you'd call me! ARCHER: Really? To both statements? MALORY: Hello?! If it's not too much trouble I'd like to know if I have cancer! SPELTS: The first test was a false positive.

You're totally fine.

MALORY: Wh-? Oh thank God! ARCHER: Yeah good.

Hey, wanna grab a drink later? Peggy? MALORY: I can't believe it, it's such a relief! I don't have breast cancer! ARCHER: So, guess we can skip all this, huh? SPELTS: Well we're here, machine's on, may as well take a look.

So, if you could? ARCHER: Hm? Oh, sorry SPELTS: Wow.

ARCHER: Wow what, what is wow, what is that? SPELTS: Thaaat Yeah that's breast cancer.

ARCHER: What?! MALORY: What?! SPELTS: Yeah.

So listen Wanna grab a drink later? ARCHER: Yep.

Stage Two breast cancer Yeah, I mean it's not as bad as Stage Three or Four, but it's not, ya know, obviously not as good as no cancer.

LANA: God, I should definitely get checked.

I'm so bad about doing the self-exam.

PAM: Hey, how about we check each other?! LANA: So what's next, do you do chemo, or ARCHER: A lumpectomy.

I go in for surgery next week, and they'll try to cut it all out If they can't get it all, or if it spreads to my lymph nodes, then they'll do chemo, but I'm trying to stay positive, cause I can beat this.

LANA: Wow, you seem kinda different.

ARCHER: Yeah, did I mention I have cancer? LANA: Not that, dick, your whole outlook.

All this positivity and whatever.

ARCHER: I have to be positive.

Gotta stay strong.

So here, show some support.

ARCHER: Here, Brett, take a ribbon.

BRETT: What is this? ARCHER: Pink ribbon.

I have breast cancer.

BRETT: Ha ha! Seriously? Breast cancer? ARCHER: Yes BRETT: Sure it's not lady vagina cancer? ARCHER: Excuse me.

I'm trying! To stay positive! Both mentally! And spiritually! Brett! Kreiger: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Gilette: He's beating his ass.

ARCHER: Now, if you all will excuse me again, I'm going to spend some quality time with those who are dear to me.

Brett.

BRETT: eepinnapeenimmonahmytun.

CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah hey it's got a safety pin! TRINETTE: What?! ARCHER: Breast cancer, and yes, seriously.

And I dunno how it's gonna turn out, so I wanted to, ya know spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.

TRINETTE: He's not even yer real kid.

ARCHER: So? TRINETTE: So it's weird.

ARCHER: So is me paying you child support, Trinette, but you keep cashing the checks! I'm sorry.

C'mon Trinette, Seamus may not be my son, but he's probably as close as I'm ever gonna get.

TRINETTE: Where're you taking him? ARCHER: I dunno what's he into? MALORY: Oh, that is just classic him I mean my God, I was the one who CHERYL/CAROL: Was getting all the attention? MALORY: Who thought I had breast cancer.

Shut up! And now he has it and it's all Sterling this and ribbons that! PAM: Well he does actually have cancer MALORY: Well he didn't get it from me! CHERYL/CAROL Wh-?! It's contagious?! TRINETTE: What the shit?! ARCHER: I know, I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but TRINETTE: Not yours, shitbrain! His! ARCHER: Yeah it's like, we've got each other's backs.

Right? TRINETTE: You can't tattoo a frickin baby! ARCHER: That's what the tattoo guy said.

Had to slip him an extra hundred bucks.

TRINETTE: How bout I slip somebody a hundred bucks to throw acid in your face?! ARCHER: Costs more than that, I bet to buy acid, Trinette.

TRINETTE: C'mon, Seamus! I hope your stupid cancer kills you.

ARCHER: Oh yeah?! Well I hope it doesn't! ARCHER: And to that end Woodhouse, macrobiotic food.

Find out what that is and start cooking it.

Oh, and smoothies, and and why are you dressed like a tout? WOODHOUSE: My vacation starts today, sir.

ARCHER: What?! I'm riddled with cancer and you wanna take a vacation?! WOODHOUSE: No, but I asked for the time off a year ago, and Dicky and I've been planning this trip ever since, and ARCHER: Who's Dicky? WOODHOUSE: My brother.

ARCHER: What? WOODHOUSE: He's younger.

ARCHER: Obviously.

WOODHOUSE: And we've always dreamed of someday going to Las Vegas together, so we saved up and got a lovely package, and it's prepaid, you see, so ARCHER: Prepaid, huh? WOODHOUSE: Yessir.

ARCHER: Did I mention I have cancer? ARCHER: God, what a trip Barely got back in time for surgery tomorrow.

You shoulda been there.

Yes, God knows when I'll be able to see Dickie again.

- Or where.

- Yeah, Mexico is pretty big.

- So is your heart, Woodhouse.

- Sir? That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

- Oh, well - I'm serious, you know, you showed me how important family is and you're kind of family and I know I'm not always as nice to you as I could be, so I'm gonna work on that, okay? Yessir.

Thank you, sir.

ARCHER: Thank you.

Toilet's clogged.

And so I wanted to say I'm sorry Pam, if there were ever any times when I was less than nice to you PAM: Huh! [BEEP] your [BEEP] dolphin, Pam! And I definitely could've been nicer to you, Ca Cheryl CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah.

ARCHER: Here, take two, and Brett! Where's that ribbon, buddy? BRETT: Gonna go put it on right now! ARCHER: Okay, then come see me, I got some mid-range scotch for you! You not Oh hey, and where's Cyril? CYRIL: Extradited?! But I've never even been to Las Vegas! ARCHER: Oh you gotta go, it's amaze zing I hear, but I've never been.

Here.

DETECTIVE: What're ya doin?! He can't have booze, he's going to jail! ARCHER: C'mon.

I have cancer.

PAM: Of the tits! DETECTIVE: Yeah, okay, give him the booze.

Jesus, I should get checked.

CYRIL: Can somebody water my plants?! CHERYL/CAROL: Yes! No.

ARCHER: Yes! Mother c'mon, they said I could eat and drink til midnight.

MALORY: Alcohol?! ARCHER: Uh, the stuff they use to sterilize hospitals? Pretty sure it's okay.

Here's to uh family, I guess.

MALORY: I'm sorry if I've been a bit selfish about your breast cancer.

ARCHER: And I'm sorry if I haven't always been, umya know, whatever.

MALORY: Well, you do the best you can.

ARCHER: Eh.

MALORY: Are you scared? ARCHER: I am, actually.

MALORY: Me too.

Sterling, I well.

ARCHER: Yeah, me too, Mother.

Wow, it's kinda weird opening up like this, huh? MALORY: Yeah, gimme another belt.

ARCHER: There's so much I still wanna do MALORY: Oh, now you're gonna be fine.

ARCHER Like, I've never been to Rome MALORY: Wh-? Yes you have.

ARCHER: For wooork, mother.

MALORY: Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work, and you look at me you are going to beat cancer.

ARCHER: B-but what if I dooon't? LANA: So uh How's this goin? MALORY: Not great.

ARCHER: Lanaaaa Lana what if I dooon't? MALORY: Can you take him home? LANA: Um can you not? MALORY: No, if I don't get something to eat I'm literally going to die.

- I seriously might though.

- Ugh, you're gonna be fine.

What if I'm not, what if I die, then have to live with the fact I was a dick to you like, a jillion times? LANA: Look, don't worry about it, just ARCHER: Lana I'm in love with you.

LANA: You're also shit-faced.

ARCHER: I can be both.

And I might die tomorrow, so I really don't think I should be alone tonight.

LANA: Newp.

ARCHER: Did I mention I have cancer? LANA: [sighs] ARCHER: Awesome.

[ Burp ] [ Alarm clock ringing ] LANA: Archer.

Archer.

ARCHER: Waagh! What the shit, Lana?! Wait, Lana?! LANA: Yeah.

ARCHER Wait, why are you in my Aw, shit! My cancer surgery! LANA: Yeah.

ARCHER: So listen.

About last night LANA: Don't worry about it, just ARCHER: No wait, we should talk about whatever's in this IV, which I love LANA: We can talk after your surgery.

ARCHER: Mm-hmm LANA: Or never, probably, knowing you.

ARCHER: Where's Mother?! MALORY: Sterling? Was that him?! LANA: Yeah, where were you? MALORY: The cafeteria PAM: Bear claws, rrowr! MALORY: I've been here since six! He was four hours late to his own surgery! LANA Yeah, kind of a late night.

And speaking of CYRIL: I spent last night in the Tombs, getting worked over by the cops! EVERYBODY: Huh? What for? I mean literally.

CYRIL: Yeah, until the Las Vegas police faxed over this little gem! PAM: Ha ha ha! Too soon? CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my God How much cancer was in him?! This is so boring and forever-taking.

For the 55th time shut up and go back to the office.

No I wanna be here, in case he LANA: Don't.

CHERYL/CAROL: Dies.

What, we're all thinking it! MALORY: No we're not! This surgery is going to be a complete success, and Sterling is going to be completely cured.

CYRIL: Hooray MALORY: Oh shut up.

LANA Although he has been a lot nicer ever since he was diagnosed.

CYRIL: Oh really? PAM: Ha ha ha! Ahem.

Still too soon.

SPELTS: Not too soon for good news I hope! Oh, and also some very bad news.

MALORY: What's the bad news?! SPELTS: I have to take a raincheck on that drink.

I'm on call this weekend.

MALORY Wh-?! What about Sterling? ! Ass! SPELTS: Oh right, that's the good news.

- What are you, hourly? Thanks to me the surgery was totally successful, and now Mr.

Archer is ARCHER: Totally cancer-free! Whoooo! I beat cancer, everybody.

MALORY: Oh Sterling, I knew you could do it! ARCHER: Yeah, so is that why you didn't even bother to see me off to surgery? MALORY: Wh-? You were four hours late, we grabbed a bear claw! PAM: Rrowr.

ARCHER: No, it's fine Mother, whatever.

Hey, how're you doing? I beat cancer.

MALORY Wh-?! PAM: Looks like he's back to his old self.

WOODHOUSE: Oh, let's hope not ARCHER: Hello?! Uh, there's this great new thing, called coasters?! CHERYL/CAROL: Sorry! Jeez! ARCHER: Don't apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian rosewood.

CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh.

LANA: So listen, about last night ARCHER: Lana hey, I know you probably think it was just because I was drunk, LANA: Well, and scared.

- Well, more drunk.

- And super scared.

- Not really scared.

But the thing is Woodhouse! Answer the damn phone! WOODHOUSE: Archer residence.

ARCHER: So, the thing is here's the thing.

WOODHOUSE: It's for you, sir.

ARCHER: Duh.

One sec.

Talk to me! SPELTS: Mr.

Archer? Hi, it's Doctor Spelts.

ARCHER: Who? SPELTS: I did your cancer surgery? Like, two hours ago? ARCHER: Oh right, listen, I'm kinda celebrating right now, SPELTS: You may want to hold off on that? ARCHER: What? SPELTS: Yeah, I should've waited until your post-op results came in ARCHER: What?! SPELTS: But I could tell your mom was already crushed about the raincheck thing, ARCHER: So what are you saying? LANA: Archer? MALORY: Sterling? SPELTS: What was I saying? Oh yeah, the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes.

ARCHER: what does that mean? SPELTS: Well it's not good, obviously, so - Sterling, what did he say? - The cancer It's in my lymph nodes.

PAM: Holy shitsnacks CHERYL/CAROL: What's cancer? ARCHER: Yeah, soI guess this party was a little premature, huh? MALORY: Sterling, there's radiation treatment, there's chemotherapy, there's MALORY: Well, I think just those two things, but LANA: But you can still be cured! This isn't, ya know umgood, but ARCHER: Excuse me MALORY: That was the best you could do? LANA: Shut up.

ARCHER: What'd I expect? Jesus, look at how I've treated all of you! Carol, and Pam and Cyril! Oh my God listen, I'm gonna clear up this Vegas thing! CYRIL: Great, all you have to do is go down to the police station and confess ARCHER: Or something, maybe else, but CYRIL: That's actually the only thing.

ARCHER: Woodhouse! Woodhouse, salt of the earth, who basically raised me! MALORY: Well ARCHER: And you helped, Mother! I know that! And Lana! Lana, I want you to know that what I said last Woodhouse, seriously, a little help here? WOODHOUSE: Archer residence.

For you, sir.

ARCHER: Was that so hard? Lana, sorry, gimme one second.

Because I really want you to hear what I have to say.

- Hello? - SPELTS: Mr.

Archer? Hi, Doctor Spelts again.

ARCHER: Yeah listen, I'm kinda making peace with my loved ones, uh, plus some other people right now, so SPELTS: You may want to hold off on that ARCHER: What? SPELTS: Because, boy, did I pull a boner.

SPELTS: Said the urologist, ba-dump-bump, anyhoo, turns out I mixed up your chart with another patient's.

ARCHER: What? Wait are are you sure?! SPELTS: Of course I'm sure, I'm a doctor.

And I can say, positively, you are ARCHER: Totally cancer-free! Again! ARCHER: Whooo! Suck it, cancer! Cyril, I don't wanna see you with an empty glass again, okay? Yeah, so, about my Vegas problem.

Yeah, the Vegas problem.

I've been giving it a lot of though, and I'm pretty sure Mother feel free to chime in here.

And I'm pretty sure ISIS can get you a whole new identity, Cyril.

- Oh, you can use one of my old ones.

- I don't want to use it.

You're Chett Manly now.

How about that? - I don't wanna be Chett Manly.

- Everybody! Say hello to my friend, Chett Manly.

- Hi.

- Not a new person.

- Shut up I saw him first.

Speaking of being a new person, or not Did you wanna tell me something? - Did I? - Like 4 minutes ago, when you thought you were dying? Oh, yeah.

Lana, so, here's the thing.

[ Telephone ringing ] ARCHER: I got it! Hello? REDHEAD NURSE: May I speak to Chet? ARCHER: Oh my GodYeah hang on, he's rightWait, who is this? REDHEAD NURSE: Rita.

ARCHER: Who? REDHEAD NURSE: The nurse? Redhead?! - Peggy.

ARCHER: Ohhh! Yeah hey, this is Chet Hang on, Peggy, I got another call Talk to me! SPELTS: Mr.

Archer? - This is Dr.

Spelts.

- I know.

What, doctor? SPELTS: Well, you are just gonna kill me SPELTS: But turns out I was right the first time.

ARCHER: The first time, you said I was cured! SPELTS: Wait, now I'm confused.

ARCHER: At the hospital! - You said - Oh! No, I mean the first phone call.

When I said the cancer had spread to your lymph nodes.

So yeah, we're gonna wanna to start a round of chemo ASAP, but in the meantime is your mother there? PAM: Are you here? MALORY: Eh.

What? Too soon?

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