This is my idea for a season seven opener.
"The Hoard" Exterior- Run down waterfront warehouse on an island Interior- Darkened warehouse floor, core group enters minus Sterling and Ray Malory: "Sterling?! Sterling?.. STERLING!" Archer: "What?! Jesus! I'm over here mother!"
Exterior- A sickly rental sailboat bobs out at the pier. Interior warehouse-
Malory (disgusted): "All right Sterling, you've got us all here on this excuse for.. LAND! Why?!" Sterling (Villain ish): "I have a secret.. mother.. Would you like to know what it is?" Group (impatient): "YES!" Malory: "Sterling dear, I've spent most of my morning on aboard the "float'n'blow", with these four, puking and stinking up the boat worse! As if that wasn't enough, then came the seagulls! SO.. unless you've brought us out here to show us a huge pile of money you've been hoarding, I can think of nothing better to do than to shoot you and go back to the dealership!" Lana: "Damn Grandma!" Malory: "Oh, stuff it in your bra with those huge.. BOOBS! Good money for a MIDDLE name!" Lana: "Hey, you wrote it, Iiiii cashed it!" Malory (under her breath): "Ink wasn't even dry!" Lana: "Nooop! Sure wasn't!" Sterling: "HEY! Lucy and Ethel, you want a conveyor belt and some chocolates? Or would you rather WORK it OUT.. OVER a rousing NUMBER.. from Ricky Ricardo's BAND?! I guess, heh, I guess what I'm saying is we can afford both"
Interior warehouse- Sterling finally turns on the lights and he is in fact standing in front of an immense pile of cash causing comments from the group like "EeeEEEheeheehee!" "Jesus Archer!" "I'd like to be the accountant for THAT!" and "I've never gotten erect so fast before!... Ow!" Sterling: "Is uh, is everybody just going to leave my mother lying there like that?" CUE THEME MUSIC
Exterior- Island warehouse Malory (growling): "You colossal ASSHOLE! WHERE did you get ALL that money?" Lana (gasps)!: "You really WERE skimming accounts all those years!" Sterling (indignant): "What!? NO! I.. okay I skimmed a little here and there from the agency.. and maybe I used it to score more money and then just maybe... I forgot to put the original money I skimmed back into the agency accounts. Have you got her tight yet?"
Interior warehouse- Malory strapped to a chair, straining at the ropes Malory (angry): "You just wait until I get loose you son of a.." Sterling (bemused): "Hah! No please mother, I beg of you, DO finish that sentence in front of witnesses!" Malory (incensed): "No! What I will say, is that ever since you turned fourteen you've been a little beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and beeeeep with three beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" (cold, evil) "So Sterling, Tell mommy where you got the money before it's time to sleep" Carol: "Ewwww! I'm not sleeping in this warehouse!" Lana: "Carol honey, I think she means Archer is going to sleep" Carol: "Oh good. What?! I'm NOT TIRED!" Lana: "OOookay, Carol? Pin in that.. Malory you're about to pop a vein, stop straining. Archer?" Sterling: "Yes my love" Lana (moving closer) "My sweet" Sterling: "My smootchy boo" Lana (grasping archer's genitals firmly): "Myyy Lov-errrrr" Sterling: "Gleep!" Lana (in complete control) "Now.. Archer.. sweety, lover.." Sterling (cough): "Yeah babe?" Lana: "REALLY? You're gonna make me repeat the question?" Sterling coughing and facial contortions: "I'm sorry.. I don't remember you ask ING!!" Lana (squeezing with a twist): "Your.. MOTHER.. DID!" Sterling: "Oh.. (straining) I.. I could get to that.. if my balls weren't being powdered right now!" Lana (letting go): "SPILL!" Sterling: "Oh.. oh my god! (cough) I don't.. I don't think they'll ever spill again Lana.. POUR maybe.. like sand!" Carol (posh): "Like sands through the hour glass.." Malory: "OH! Shut up!" Sterling: "Listen, I've been hoarding this here ever since I made my first five and three quarter million" Cyril: "Wait, why such an odd amount?" Sterling: "Oh.. well because the island cost five and a half" Group: "What the F?" Cyril: "What did you do with the other quarter million?" Sterling: "Cyril.. come on buddy, I had to get a boat didn't I?"
Exterior- back side of island. Luxury 40 footer is seen. the "SS Bandit Gator" Exterior- "Archer's" personal command deck. Archer, Malory and Lana are present
Malory (perturbed): "All this time, YOU had eighty six MILLION dollars, a privte island, YACHT and.. I don't even KNOW what else!" Sterling (chuckling): "You.. you do not!" Lana: "So, I get why you're revealing it now, with us all out of work and.." Sterling (Amused) "What?! You thought I cared about the drones? This isn't for THEM!" still laughing Carol, Pam, Krieger: "WE CAN HEAR YOU!" (from lower deck) Pam: "DICKBUBBLE!" Malory: "So what's this all for Sterling?" Lana: "I'm lost too babe, except the part where Abbijean get's to go to whatever school she wants" Sterling: "Well.. maybe. It depends on my costs" Malory: "Costs for what dear?" Sterling (sighs): "I gotta find Woodhouse mother" Malory: "What a complete waste! Don't you spend a dime looking for "Smacky the bear!" Lana: "Malory!" Sterling: "Yeah motherrrr.. Woodhouse raised me! YOU weren't there! Woodhouse was.. and now he's missing and I.. I know this sounds weird mother but.. I kind of owe him" Lana: "Archer.. I had no idea" (sniffling) Sterling: "None does Lana, I mean.. he was like.. my dad. Now he's lost out there somewhere, scared, alone.. probably full of bad junk, but still..I owe it to him to rescue him" Lana, Malory: "That's.. beautiful" Group on lower deck: "Awwww!" Sterling (chuckles): "Wanna hear how beautiful? I'm not even going to charge him interest when I make him pay it back!" Malory: "Sterling?" Lana: "Sterling!" Sterling: "Every penny"
Phone rings, Archer answers: "Hello?..uh huh.... Yes this is him.....you have?.... YOU DO?!...... NOW, you listen to me! If any harm what-so-EVER, comes to.. Hello?" Malory: "My god! What was THAT for? Have you found Woodhouse?" Sterling (distracted by whales) "Huh? Oh, no.. that was the cleaners about my silk shirts". Malory: "Ass!"
Phone rings again. Archer hesitates this time when he sees the number. Sterling: "Hello.. RAMONE!... you did?... He is?... We'll decide THAT, AFTER I get my fa.. valet back!" (throws phone into ocean) "KRIEGER!"
Krieger (excitedly from below deck): "Yeah?! I'll do anything for money! An-y-thing!" Sterling: "EEeewwww! Don't do that, jesus Krieger where does your mind go when it does that?" Krieger: "I honestly don't know!... or care" Sterling (over railing) "How much longer until Ray is healed?" Krieger: "Oh he's good to go last three weeks now" Sterling: "Wh-.. KRIEGER! Why isn't he here?!" Pam: "We didn't think he'd wanna come" Sterling (sarcastic): "Oh no! I wouldn't want to either! I mean, just because I have an all new, water proof, ROBOT BODY, Of course I wouldn't want to go OUT to SEA, and test it, while the WHALES are sounding!" Carol (drunkenly) "What's sounding" Krieger: "It's mostly stuff like EEeeeeeOOoooooOO" Sterling: "THAT's NOT.. NEVER mind! Somebody just.. CALL RAY! WE have to go to Miami!"
So that's my idea so far. Anyone think I should keep going?